When people say "FUCK MEETINGS" I secretly hope that there are fuck meetings out there, and that one day I'll be invited to one.

Beer is like an old friend. An old friend who says "drink me" and then "drink my friend too" and then "hey check out this Snow White porn".

I don't understand English sometimes. The plural of deer is deer, but the plural of beer is, I LOVE YOU, TOILET BOWL.

One of my goals in life is to get a bong, then put a tuxedo on it.

It will be Bong. James Bong.

CHINA IS THE WORST.

-America

Sent from our iPhone.

DO YOU WANNA SELL ME KENTUCKY AVENUE OR DO YOU WANNA BE GROUNDED?

I'm trying to teach the daughter that business is cutthroat.

I don't know whether I consider myself indecisive or not.

I can't remember the rest of this tweet, but your mother's a whore.

I liked dubstep when it was just that one dude from Police Academy.

OH: "A woman should have no bodily hair below the eyebrows that you can't cover up with a dorito."

I like my women like I like my soap. They should smell nice and also should feel good when rubbed around my private parts.

I think I have body dysmorphia, but in the sense that I think I look better than I actually do.

Which kinda explains all the masturbation.

If it's not a hot fashion trend to have a dryer sheet hanging out of the bottom of your pants, THEN IT FUCKING SHOULD BE.

Non-Frosted Pop Tarts are bullshit.

I don't know what it is, but I cannot say the word "panties". So I would just prefer that ladies did not wear them.

USING CAPS LOCK IS WEAK. I JUST HOLD DOWN THE SHIFT BUTTON THE WHOLE TIME LIKE A GODDAMN CHAMP

Life is like a box of chatroulettes.

Getting a real Christmas tree is a lot like masturbation. Excited before, tired after. AND STICKY HANDS.

Once you realize that some people are just plain fucking stupid, life becomes a bit less stressful.

I just had a Whopper that looked EXACTLY like it was shown on the menu. With this luck, I should try my hand at online dating.