I enjoy the use of "Lady and the Tramp" as a verb, as in "How shall we split this burrito? You wanna ladyandthetramp it?"

First Michael Jackson, now the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11. This has been a big month for the moonwalk.

I saw a moving thing out of the corner of my eye and got scared, but it turned out to be my own foot. So THIS is what it's like to be a dog.

I'm pretty sure that the criteria for living on the third floor of this apartment building is to be the stompiest stomper that ever stomped.

Good news: I baked a cake. Bad news: Except for the middle of it.

The best thing about Justin Bieber is that there's finally a name for that dumb thing my hair does sometimes.

I hope The Avengers has a cameo from Ernie Hudson, telling Thor, "If someone asks if you are a god, you say YES."

Children should be seen and not heard.

But not seen, either.

Accidentally sat on a jelly bean. I wish it had hatched into a baby bunny!
(I don't know how science works.)

Cheryl: "So... it's not my job to parent other people's children, but I wanted to parent that one in the FACE."

My dinner date threw up twice over the course of the meal, and pooped himself at least once. Somehow being a baby makes this acceptable.

I hope jelly beans aren't actually tiny little dinosaur eggs, or else I'm going to have a LOT of claw marks on the inside of my stomach.

Apparently Always didn't think their brand name alone made your period sound unending enough so they created the "Infinity" line of pads.

Rick Steves: "1/3 of people eat with knife/fork, 1/3 with chopsticks and 1/3 with hands. All are equally civilized." #nafsa12

I like how in this commercial, they say the lunchmeat is "bourgeoisie" instead of "bourgeois." Hillshire Farms is PEOPLE!

I want to play Penultimate Frisbee.

Hooray! Roethlisberger loses!

When we only have 1 copy of a catalogue left, I write OFFICE COPY - DO NOT TAKE on it. But sometimes I want to write DEAD DOVE - DO NOT EAT.

Yesterday I couldn't remember the word "tiara" so instead it came out as "princess helmet."

They already have a grape/apple hybrid (grapples), but they should make a garlic/apple hybrid for keeping vampire doctors away.