I look at my enemies, through a fork..and pretend their In jail.

I've reached the age... when the D.J. asks If there are any requests...I say...Aye, could you turn It down a wee bit.

The reason I don`t jog - The joggers always find the dead bodies...you never find a dead body, watching t.v..eating wine gums.

For the girls who want to look like Barbie...don't forget...she has a boyfriend with a space where his winkie should be.

My wife and I have had a huge row...about where to go on holiday. I want to go to Florida...and...she wants to come too.

Got my daughter a miniature set of perfumes called ample..hope she does`nt notice..the `s` has been scraped off.

The taxi driver said he did'nt mind me sitting In the front...but could I get off his lap.

You know your drunk when...you think the meter In the taxi Is the time...

I`m not allowed to dry my socks on top of the T.V...she`s so controlling.

Has anyone else noticed..that Its only girls from earth..that win Miss Universe.

I don`t bungee jump because...I came Into this world because of a broken rubber...I`m not going out cause of one...

Whenever I go to a funeral..I always get a photo..of me and the deceased..shaking hands.

My wife has trust Issues,,,It was written In her diary.

Do you ever think...Are there any cannibals In my street?...I might be paranoid...but I don`t let my plumpest child go out on her own.

I can kill a man with my bare feet...problem Is... I keep getting beat up before I can get my shoes off.

Don`t cha wish your girlfriend...would get on a bit better with your wife...DON`T CHA.

I went Ice skating..I did`nt want to go..but the woman I was stalking..did.

I hate people who take drugs...you know, like custom officers and police.

Winnie the pooh,Zorba the Greek,Ivan the terrible,John the baptist and Billy the kid all have the same middle name.

I wish I had`nt put the mosh pit In my kitchen...It`s ridiculous...the amount of bruises on my nan...she only wanted toast and cheese.