In magnificent news, a show about rednecks got better ratings than a convention about rednecks. http://t.co/txtFBelR cc @honeypoopoo

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and buying recycled toilet paper the day before Superstorm Shitface is the most regrettable.

I am not sure if I need a hug or a flamethrower. Or both. Y'know what, I'll be safe and go with both.

Fun new game! Insurance policy, or action movie script?  http://instagram.com/p/Zdje_DACgA/ 

In case you don't follow awesome people, @citizenjaq is tweeting my explanation of a movie he actually liked instead of choking me out.

Snooki is pregnant? Guess the trap-neuter-release program isn't working so well.

Joe Paterno goes into a box with an atom...

Today is National Hug Your Cat Day which I'm pretty sure is the plastic surgery industry's version of a Hallmark Holiday

We waited 86 years for the Sox. Bostonians are a patient people. I knew we'd get him eventually.

My little friend is still missing. Can you retweet this Craigslist lost & found ad for me?  http://alibeat.me/Z0eITK 

Every time I see the Superdome on TV, something bad is happening and nobody has any power.

Social media opening available @kitchenaidusa tomorrow! See? Romney really IS a job creator!

Why is "hopelessly meta" not a DSM-V diagnosis? It needs to be.

Blur and Anderson Cooper are trending. Clearly this is My Favorite Stuff day.

Pro tip: naming a file "picture.jpg" does not magically make it not an excel spreadsheet

Today is National Kiss Day. Also official #GetSomeIaaS day.. I sit in my cube at a SaaS provider and make jokes about this to myself

Police chief shot a week before retirement-- I wish that were a bad joke, but it's not. Doesn't sound good. #Greenland

I'll bring home creme horns. In an Irene-related pinch, a creme horn can double as a fleshlight. Wait, we need *flash*lights. Flashlights.

"Shall we go to her funeral? Y'know. To make sure."

Thought I would tend to the countertop composter. Now have to clean up rotting veggie slurry and my own vomit while trying not to puke more.