I have everyone's lighter.

Someone left toenail clippers touching my toothbrush now I have to burn the house down and start over.

I'm going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.

I want to lick your IQ

I have scars that I earned.

Clowns can smell fear.

I bet that squirrel listens to Black Flag and tells hipsters to fuck off.

I am gonna tell on all of you.

I just realized that I'm actually waiting for a phone call. What the fuck year is it again?

At the time hitting the follow button 1,200 times this weekend seemed fun and ok. but now...

fact: Americans can not use the word brilliant properly.

If you could be honest with just one person, why wouldn't it be yourself?

I finally made a 40 star tweet and I found the neighbor's cat. I win twitter. Good night.

It's funny how the dumbest tweets I write are the ones everyone retweets.

Fuck follow Friday I'm still trying to unfollow the dumbfucks from last week. Some of you people have questionable judgement.

A good friend makes you laugh when you are sad. Your weirdest friend will stick combos up each nostril and make you pee your pants.

#MyExTaughtMe When you do not respect someone that you love. It's not love.

I locked myself out of the house and accidentally caught my hair on fire in my car. so yeah, I've been busy today.

Please love me even though I'm an idiot sometimes.

I would like to rent Samuel L. Jackson as my screaming lifecoach. I would get so much shit done.