@gruber It's a rare day that I don't talk about Powaqqatsi.

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“Tequila!”
“Tukwila!”

Hashtags are the new AOL keywords.

Dear Australia,

What is 2011 like? Do we have flying cars yet?

Sincerely,
Alan

Oh Photoshop, I just can't quit you (but that's because you crash every time I try).

There are 17 different ways to peel a banana. Three of them are only theoretical, as they rely on the existence of the Higgs Boson.

I hear that a lot of people regret their first tattoo. That's why I'm just gonna skip to the second.

A periodical for enthusiasts of Magnum ammunition? That's a Mag mag mag.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting cow..."
"YO I'M HAPPY FOR YOU AND I'MA LET YOU FINISH BUT..."

gray? grey? græy.

@sketchybusiness PNCH JUDY

Sometimes you're the only person on the bus, and it feels like you just payed for the world's worst limo.

If you're waiting for the bathroom, does that mean you're next in line for the throne?

Hey man, can I stay at your house tonight? No hobo.

Om nom rom com.

You've got your principles, you've got your vices, and then you've got your vice principals.

College is mostly essays and telling other people that "we should hang out more often".

I made cookies. They were a nominal success. Did I say nominal? I meant OM NOM NOMINAL.

@amyjane One of my adopted Chinese cousins: "Daddy, when you were a baby in China..."