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wounded when the cat declined to sleep with me
I want to ask Hispanic high school age couples spooning in line for rides at theme parks: "What's your secret? How do you make it work?"
Throw Some Shit Away Charlie Brown You Fucking Sloppy Piece of Shit
Lots of us girls wearing cute dresses with cardigans today. Good for us.
“There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.” ― W. Somerset Maugham
I think the universe is trying to tell me something.
Or it could be my friend Bethany, it's hard to tell because I'm hiding in a barrel.
Can someone go in the other room and get my phone charger? DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING!!
Best part of the Saved by the Bell movie: the surfing bulldog in the PetCo commercial.
A little boy just saw me crying here in the park and gave me his balloon.
The perfect plan, perfectly executed.
Somewhere Jenna Maroney is furious that her nude photos weren't leaked.
I've never been more jealous than of this man's digestion system eating fully loaded airport nachos at 10am.
With enough anxiety you can turn any exit into an emergency exit.
I'll call back later. If you don't know me, read my book. If you do know me, buy my book but don't read it: http://amzn.to/16cwFmO%20