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Nothing tastes as good as being right feels.
*averts gaze away from the abyss outta mutual respect*
Hills are just nature’s way of saying, “Look how high up I can get this dirt!” Nature is very desperate.
Remember that time I went to see a therapist and found out that she was my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend? That was today. That happened.
If vocal fry was a dude thing it would be celebrated as a sign of manhood and sponsored by AXE body spray.
BE THE MOST ENTERTAINING PERSON YOU CAN BE ALL OF THE TIME AND HIDE ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS FOREVER!!!
Colin Farrell always looks you just told him tonight is the last night he can ever do cocaine.
It's all fun and games until day 2 of following a celebrity on Instagram.
Sometimes I think the world is a garbage fire but then I remember someone hated me so much they blocked my dog's Twitter & I feel better.
so I'm halfway through the new True Detective episode and I'm pretty sure Rachel McAdams is bout to hide a knife in her pussy
Overheard you saying its hard to tell if I'm making an obvious statement or I'm saying I'm insulted and let me just say, you discussed me.
[agonizes over the precise wording of a joke for close to 20 minutes]
1 retweet 6 favorites
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
What if you get possessed by a demon that everyone you know likes better than you
Eevry night before I go to bed now I lay out my son's sketchbook on a blank page with pens and sharp pencils. Invitation he can't resist
I like how ran over skunks are like REMEMBER ME
I'll call back later. If you don't know me, read my book. If you do know me, buy my book but don't read it. http://amzn.to/16cwFmO%20
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