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Sucks that my mom made her own ketchup so she now has to move away to a HipCity and open a bistro but that's how it works as I understand it
This AM I woke up on the floor like nice I'm back on brand
awaken by a couple arguing in my hotel. heard every word of the fight: theyre both wrong & my sentence is they live out their lives together
Well well well, if it isn't a man I had terrible sex with one time in too skinny jeans
how much wifi is in my blood
you can't arrest me, i'm a silver member at rite aid
LADY COP: One. You get one phonecall.
ME: (sings "Silver Springs" to ex's voicemail)
LADY COP:(wipes away tear) 100. You get 100 phonecalls.
I want a House Hunters update special of all the husbands who have since come out and living with their partners
I just overheard a woman say a good paleo snack is "sucking on a raw cinnamon stick" so I told my friends we gotta leave this bar NOW. NOW!!
Just a little too attracted to the Ursula in this high school production of The Little Mermaid. This girl is too good.
The two younger sons on fresh off the boat are my new favorite characters on TV.
Pickin' up social cues the way rappers pickin' up shorties at the club.
Based on my Facebook feed, the average pregnancy is 22 months
Working on music is incredibly rewarding, even if only a few people ever hear it. Keeps me from overthinking the shitty things in life. 💩
If your fetish is loud Jewish girls in black North Faces, New York may explode your heart
While I appreciate that Darlene Schiller has opened her pocket book for Masterpiece on PBS, I can't help but hope she can buy a new blouse.
I'll call back later. If you don't know me, read my book. If you do know me, buy my book but don't read it: http://amzn.to/16cwFmO%20
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