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If i was half as good at writing as I am at looking at videos of beagle puppies I wouldn't be tweeting this right now.
JINX I called you racist at the exact same time you said a racist thing
Tonight my daughter said, "I don't think I hate anyone."
Commenting, "Trust is earned" on as many Facebook photos as possible.
Barnes and Noble referred to me as my nephew's mother, I SWIFTLY corrected her for that offense.
Is it possible that whoever runs Cosmo doesn't realize they're doing the same cover every single month?
it hurts my feelings when my computer can't do 45 things at the same time.
I, for one, welcome our new ebola overlord.
What if someone decided to do something creepy
iOS 8.1 beta brings back Camera Roll. Thank you, Based God!
Hell is a published list of all your deleted tweets.
"How are your succulents doing?" is like the rudest thing I've ever thought of to ask someone.
I'll call back later. If you don't know me, read my book. If you do know me, buy my book but don't read it: http://amzn.to/16cwFmO%20