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Yesterday, an 11-year old in California graduated from College.
Today, it took me, a 24-year old, three tries to spell 'restaurant.'
It's been a long time.
I will not hold your baby unless it's in an Otterbox.
*listens to Aly and AJ's Potential Break Up Song once*
My imaginary crush and me are done
Make The Fall Of An Empire Great Again
Make Our Inevitable Demise Great Again
The neighbor girl told me she's graduating from an "accelerated program". She's 4.
i once accidentally brushed my teeth with hand soap but at least i never donated to a super pac
yea, girl, my fucking, my fucking dick is huge it's like, to give you an idea, it's the size of the trash can I have in my bathroom at home
only mid week and ya wcw already thinking about brunch
Shoot for the moon
Even if you miss
You'll die alone in space
I feel like this avi bugs me bc I'm not actually this smiley. I'm not sure how long I can keep up this charade
ME (into my mirror): bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[bloody mary appears]
ME: please come to my comedy show
BLOODY MARY: god damnit
Getting pretty loud in my apartment, what with all the yelling and panicking and begging not to be eaten
“Do you want to go see Money Monster at 2:30pm on a Monday?” - my new weed pen
I'll call back later. If you don't know me, read my book. If you do know me, buy my book but don't read it. http://amzn.to/16cwFmO%20
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