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*was almost asleep and then remembered boobs are great*
Nyquil has signed on as my corporate sponsor
That moment when you and his dad commiserate about what an unreliable asshat he is.
Me watching Titanic:
*skip to where Jack sees Rose*
*watch until iceburg hits*
*skip to Jack saying YOU'RE SO STUPID ROSE*
I have an idea for an app that makes everybody look 3 years younger and 15 pounds lighter we will call it tinder
Siri: How many calories does running from your problems burn?
training my phone to autocorrect "men" to "ugh"
I'm getting wiser with age, but I was already kinda smart, so I could either take or leave the extra wisdom.
I know I'm a good writer because I imagine every character is pointing when they say things.
A bushel of reasons is called a myriad.
Naturally, I think of myself as a redditor first, then as a "father"
"The One Where Joey Has An Extra Ticket To Hamilton" - my 2015 Friends spec
Gonna start referring to male comedians as "male comedians."
I'll call back later. If you don't know me, read my book. If you do know me, buy my book but don't read it. http://amzn.to/16cwFmO%20
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