I've hidden a baby inside my wife... Let's see if she notices.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender say "Why the long face?" Then the horse causes $5000 in property damage. Horses shouldn't be indoors

I try to work out a few times a week, but occasionally I miss several years.

I like my women like I like my coffee. Absentmindedly forgotten on top of my car as I rush off to work.

Alex Trebek's favorite thing to yell during sex is "Who is... your daddy?"

Putting a bicycle together is hard work. Especially with this cyclist guy yelling "Why'd you hit me with your car?" the whole time.

I love musicals. I'm a quarter gay on my mom's side.

"Keeping Up with the Kardashians" should be renamed to "Armenian Horror Story"

Earlier today I said "BRB" to someone. Out loud. With my mouth. So I just took it in stride & went ahead and shot myself in the face.

In an effort to be more politically correct, I propose that we change the name of Krazy Glue to Mentally Unbalanced Adhesive.

After Lou Gehrig's diagnosis, he said "Today I consider myself the luckiest man alive." The world wouldn't see a luckier man until Doug Aids

For Halloween, I'm going as a guy that won't stop using out-of-date sayings. It's gonna be the bees knees!

If you pull up to the drive-thru at a fast-food restaurant & the cashier asks if you'll have "the usual", just drive off the nearest cliff.

Here's a fun thing to do next time you get pulled over by the cops. Roll down your window, then scream "COCAINE" and then eat a live bird.

When are they going to change the name of "Boardwalk Empire" to "HBO Tricks You Into Watching Steve Buscemi Fuck"?

People always talk about shitting a brick, but nobody ever talks about the equally painful part where you actually eat a brick.

One of my favorite hobbies is to take a jar, fill it with jelly beans, & then have people eat them to figure out which one was poisonous.

Pro tip: For a faster shower, try focusing on the 4 major "stink zones".

I feel sorry for the person that goes into the bathroom after me, because there are like 7 dead hookers in there.

My friends are all so funny. They always tell me things like "Who the hell are you?" and "How did you get into my house?" Ha! Good one guys!