I like my women like I like my men. With a penis.

Everything is a drinking game when you're a playful alcoholic.

Nothing says 'please fuck me' like leaving a voicemail at 3am whispering "Please fuck me."

Pregnant women vomit because having a baby inside of them is gross.

Sometimes I forget you can pause Netflix and that peeing in this bottle was completely unnecessary.

Hey, when you finger a girl start off with just one finger because not all of us have shit out a nine pound human.

Hey blind people, it's not my fault you masturbated too much.

Do you ever wake up freaked out because you think you're late for work, but then you're like 'whew! I'm already at work!'

I just choked on my own spit masturbating. I can't even be sexy alone.

It's not making out until I can feel your erection.

If it's in my house, I've humped it.

I could never have a threesome because I would just be apologizing twice as much the whole time.

Sucking just the tip is flirting, right?

My new thing is making eye contact with people while I lock my car door.

My dad says netflix "necks-flicks." Fucking Mexican.

I like to pretend that anyone who talks to me/stars me/looks at me has a crush on me.

Never start dating someone in the summer, because your crotch is always really sweaty by the time you get to their place.

Twitter: Where the cooler the person is, the further away they live.

I'm so 90's I can Skip-It while I BopIt.

When I'm at parties girls are always like "Stella! Dance!" So I do the robot. And then they're like "No! Sexy!" And I do more robot.