"I'm not a huge fan."- Windmill

"I'm not really comfortable with the C-word."- Cunts

Just congratulated our housekeeper on her son going to "Yale" but it turns out he actually went to "jail". :(

"Text him!"- Vodka

"F. Scott Fitzgerald!" - A person who's totally pissed at Scott Fitzgerald

Kids can be cruel. Mine tore my vagina open with his face.

"Hold me." -Grudges

When people say that everything happens for a reason, I punch them in the face to prove they're right.

Babysit like no one is watching.

"That's what." - She

I finally found the man I want to stare at my phone next to for the rest of my life.

My friend beating cancer is somewhat bittersweet because she's decided to write a one woman show about it. :(

"Bear with me!" -Caveman who brought a bear to a party

"Yay! Twitter is down!!!!"
- Kristen Stewart

I named my dog "Babyface" after his favorite snack.

When someone makes that jack-off motion in the middle of my story, I pretend to get splattered in the face.

If a tree falls in the forest, can we go stay at a hotel?

Call it a hunch but I'm pretty sure it's Scoliosis.

When I say you're like OXYGEN to me,
I mean the shitty women's TV network that I don't care about.

Sometimes I send an e-mail and then go back and read it again thinking, "Yeah, that was good. I'm cute."