My 10 yr old said "I just want one Pepsi and you won't give it to me!" and he's never even heard that Suicidal Tendencies song! #goodfriday

A good way to scare me is say "Since I am drunk I'll tell you who I think you look like."

Two seats were left on a bus and I, I chose the one that wasn't next to someone wearing a Zildjian shirt.

I don't really have a peanut allergy, I was just being a cunt.

"Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You’re thinking of Jesus." —John Fugelsang

a baby boy named gary

When my kids hear top 40 songs they say "Hey, this song is copying Weird Al" and I'm all "if only we lived in that kind of world, sugar."

7 yr old looking at something online: "What does this word mean? C-U-N..." [I freeze.] "I mean, C-U-M..." [My blood runs cold] "C-U-M-I-N?"

“We're all just walking each other home.” ― Ram Dass

Shut the fuck up. "@pastormark: Today I saw an Iranian Muslim become a Christian & get baptized @marshill!"

Now if this doesn't make you want to convert to Christianity, I don't know what will. pic.twitter.com/APFgHPAH

Seriously. Duck that suit. "@danielralston: Hey, cell phone companies. Want to sell phones? Make one that doesn't autocorrect curse words"

I screamed laughing at this. "@robinb: Guy puts his number on Facebook asking people to call him he's bored, result: http://t.co/hHiBNCQh"

"No, you're not wrong Walter, you're just an asshole." - Lebowski 3:16

This is the weirdest Bible study book I'VE ever seen.  http://instagram.com/p/YoNSOJFT4P/ 

I HOPE VINCENT GALLO FEELS BAD

Am thinking that because of the divorce rate that all marriage should be illegal instead.

I'll be in my room but my smokestack will alert you to what I'm on about. Black smoke means fuck off. Red smoke means more Red Vines please!

Those frickin Benedictine mystics look so kindly past my panic and straight at my whiny inner child and are just so nice about it.

This being human situation is a bastard.