I think I have decided that I'm single because of the way I look when I eat spaghetti with my hands.

Don't yell at me, car! Maybe I like driving with the emergency break on!

I just asked my dad, "is this Star Trek: The Next Generation?" and he said "yeah" and then I came to terms w/ why I'll be single forever.

I think the real question is who DOESN'T want to date a girl who sings Semi-Charmed Life into a pen while driving home from work?

My best friend and the man of my dreams asked me to marry him tonight, and I said yes! #engagementtweet 😍👰💍💎💋👩👱 pic.twitter.com/PatGwJZu

I think "turkey ham" is the most confusing product in the supermarket.

I could kiss whoever invented vicodin in and around their mouth.

This can't be really happening to me..... 💍 pic.twitter.com/hsMRPUWo

If my teacher calls me out for bringing an energy drink to nutrition class, I'm going to call her out for being a fat nutrition teacher.

My grandpa just walked into the room, announced he made himself a ham sandwich and then walked out. So. There's that.

"Oh, you WILL have twins...we will put you on some good feed before we breed you up...." -fiancé

WTF I AM NOT A SHEEP.

My cold has reached the point where when I sing I sound like a super sexy man.

If allergies were a person, I would kill them with the candlestick in the conservatory.

Cards Against Humanity pic.twitter.com/cNIvliVnzC

*whispered*
"COME AT ME BRO!!!!.....ohh f****sh***balls......AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE BITCH...." -that guy.

"Did you feel nauseous when you asked me?"
"No, but my heart was pounding. It wanted to jump into your chest and snuggle with your heart" 💍💗

My goal in life is to be a good enough person to where if I was arrested, no one would feel the need to celebrate, let alone a whole state..

@mrs__hall @strugglebusinit @wandastotts @linneybuggz http://t.co/yYfvgbZk

Dear internal organs, I'm sorry.

Let's face it....the way I'm dressed right now, walmart is really my only option...