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I think I have decided that I'm single because of the way I look when I eat spaghetti with my hands.
Don't yell at me, car! Maybe I like driving with the emergency break on!
I just asked my dad, "is this Star Trek: The Next Generation?" and he said "yeah" and then I came to terms w/ why I'll be single forever.
I think the real question is who DOESN'T want to date a girl who sings Semi-Charmed Life into a pen while driving home from work?
I think "turkey ham" is the most confusing product in the supermarket.
I could kiss whoever invented vicodin in and around their mouth.
If my teacher calls me out for bringing an energy drink to nutrition class, I'm going to call her out for being a fat nutrition teacher.
My grandpa just walked into the room, announced he made himself a ham sandwich and then walked out. So. There's that.
"Oh, you WILL have twins...we will put you on some good feed before we breed you up...." -fiancé
WTF I AM NOT A SHEEP.
My cold has reached the point where when I sing I sound like a super sexy man.
If allergies were a person, I would kill them with the candlestick in the conservatory.
"COME AT ME BRO!!!!.....ohh f****sh***balls......AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE BITCH...." -that guy.
"Did you feel nauseous when you asked me?"
"No, but my heart was pounding. It wanted to jump into your chest and snuggle with your heart" 💍💗
My goal in life is to be a good enough person to where if I was arrested, no one would feel the need to celebrate, let alone a whole state..
Dear internal organs, I'm sorry.
Let's face it....the way I'm dressed right now, walmart is really my only option...
Modern day Little Bo Peep Nurse in the making Jesus Enthusiast