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I think I have decided that I'm single because of the way I look when I eat spaghetti with my hands.
Don't yell at me, car! Maybe I like driving with the emergency break on!
I just asked my dad, "is this Star Trek: The Next Generation?" and he said "yeah" and then I came to terms w/ why I'll be single forever.
I think the real question is who DOESN'T want to date a girl who sings Semi-Charmed Life into a pen while driving home from work?
I think "turkey ham" is the most confusing product in the supermarket.
Something I will never understand is how our society as a whole can act like people lose value as they age. We will all be elderly someday.
I could kiss whoever invented vicodin in and around their mouth.
Couples that nap together stay together.
If my teacher calls me out for bringing an energy drink to nutrition class, I'm going to call her out for being a fat nutrition teacher.
Walk up to the club like "whaddup, I think I'm only going to stay for 15 minutes because I have to work in the morning and I'm really tired"
My grandpa just walked into the room, announced he made himself a ham sandwich and then walked out. So. There's that.
"Oh, you WILL have twins...we will put you on some good feed before we breed you up...." -fiancé
WTF I AM NOT A SHEEP.
My cold has reached the point where when I sing I sound like a super sexy man.
If allergies were a person, I would kill them with the candlestick in the conservatory.
Dear 19 year olds: speaking from experience, if you're going to drink that much beer you need to make the treadmill your BFF.
Hey, woman wearing wedge heels while riding a bicycle: why you gotta make your life so difficult, girl?
High five, whoever named the cremaster muscle...high five. ✋
Modern day Little Bo Peep Nurse in the making Jesus Enthusiast