There are 7 billion people in the world. I like 13 of you.

Don't expect a "bless you" after the 4th sneeze. Get it together.

My favorite stories always start with..."so this whore..."

I'm flawed. Love me anyway.

So this girl I saw (not me) was tweeting while walking her dog and may or may not have walked into the back of a parked car.

Saw this Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No.

Guy tip: have all your teeth.

There are people so poor, that the only thing they have is money. Sad life.

Am I the only person that gets all tingly when retweeted?

There are 923 words in the English language that break the "i before e" rule. Only 44 words actually follow it. DON'T JUDGE ME!

Things NOT to do before a run:
1. Tie your shoes at different levels of tightness.
2. Eat your weight in watermelon.
3. Decide to run.

So a lady in the sheets and a freak on the street is unacceptable???

Why do we not have gyms with alcohol? Or bars with workout equipment? WHY?!!!!

I'm gonna buy a YOLO shirt for my cat...get it?

I never know where to look when people sing songs to me.

Tell a girl NOT to do something. We see it as a challenge.

That dancy thing you do when you almost run into someone. Wish we could plan those. I'd totally wear a cute skirt and heels.

You know how everything some people tweet is legit clever and you want to retweet everything they say? Dang those people.

I'm suspicious when people invite me to a backyard BBQ and offer me alcohol but DON'T DRINK THEMSELVES!!!

Just drank my fifth cup of coffee. COME AT ME!!