I already want to take a nap tomorrow

Is it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I’m writing a sympathy card

I'd boycott watching Trump's "Apprentice" but I already don't watch it because it sucks and he's an obnoxious piece of shit.

If we aren’t supposed to bite our nails then god shouldn’t have given us teeth. #SCIENCE

God dammit, this episode of Full House is a repeat!

If you’re running down the street in shorts I assume you’re jogging. If you’re wearing jeans I assume you just shot someone

Every day I don't shit my pants is just one more day closer to the day I do shit my pants

I get so annoyed with people who have their shit together

alternate name for Netflix Instant: "Search for any movie off the top of your head and be totally disappointed that we don't have it."

"Nice House" starring Steve Agee & Ellen Page (Not yet rated)  http://vine.co/v/bnXH1IFuA2r 

Now that we've got Sandusky taken care of can we do something about these fucking Madea movies?

Fuck yeah! we just spent 2 billion dollars to put a Roomba on Mars! Suck it starving orphans! #Mars #Science

Hey y'all, Jupiter is hella big!!!!

the only reason I follow @oprah is just in case she needs to direct message me.

best thing I've seen from the NASA live feed is this dude attacking a jar of peanuts! http://t.co/68PleCOJ

Apparently the most quoted person on twitter is “no one ever”

#Sasso starring academy award nominated @ellenpage  http://vine.co/v/bX9A0L9JW35 

Just auditioned for a character described as a “Steve Agee” type and didn’t get it. Have a great day you guys!

Ladies, twitpic them titTAYS #summertime

There’s someone named Reince Priebus and he’s not a Star Wars character?