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I already want to take a nap tomorrow
Thinking of canceling my subscription to panic attacks
Is it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I’m writing a sympathy card
I wish "going postal" meant masturbating into an envelope
The one thing I got from this Jay Z / Solange situation is that Beyonce has a sister.
God dammit, this episode of Full House is a repeat!
I'd boycott watching Trump's "Apprentice" but I already don't watch it because it sucks and he's an obnoxious piece of shit.
time to get out of bed and figure out what to do until it's time to go to bed
I miss being in my 20's, when I could fuck up my life and still have time to fix it.
Apparently the most quoted person on twitter is “no one ever”
If you’re running down the street in shorts I assume you’re jogging. If you’re wearing jeans I assume you just shot someone
Every day I don't shit my pants is just one more day closer to the day I do shit my pants
a sequel to Michael Keaton's 'My Life' where his son can't watch those tapes because they only have a DVD player :(
alternate name for Netflix Instant: "Search for any movie off the top of your head and be totally disappointed that we don't have it."