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I already want to take a nap tomorrow
Thinking of canceling my subscription to panic attacks
Is it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I’m writing a sympathy card
I'd boycott watching Trump's "Apprentice" but I already don't watch it because it sucks and he's an obnoxious piece of shit.
time to get out of bed and figure out what to do until it's time to go to bed
God dammit, this episode of Full House is a repeat!
Apparently the most quoted person on twitter is “no one ever”
If you’re running down the street in shorts I assume you’re jogging. If you’re wearing jeans I assume you just shot someone
Every day I don't shit my pants is just one more day closer to the day I do shit my pants
alternate name for Netflix Instant: "Search for any movie off the top of your head and be totally disappointed that we don't have it."
I get so annoyed with people who have their shit together
People say "Tomorrow's another day" as if it's a good thing.
I wake up every afternoon and yell with a smile, "I DON'T HAVE KIDS!"
Hey girl, you can stop calling me “buddy.” I realize I’m never gonna have sex w/ you
Now that we've got Sandusky taken care of can we do something about these fucking Madea movies?
Nipples are basically titty straws