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For Halloween I'm wrapping myself in aluminum foil and going as a giant balloon with no kid inside.
I like my coffee the way I like my women - scalding hot and poured on my dick
Where was I at 2 a.m. you ask? Oh I don't know...how about TIME TRAVELING BACK TO FUCKING 1 A.M.?! Go fuck yourself, H.G. Wells!
Amelia Earhart's last thought was probably, "yep, women really should just stay in the kitchen. fuck."
Your porn name is your first pet and the street you grew up on? So my porn name is Glenn Beck? Fuck that shit!
OH MY GOD, I just punched a pigeon while it was flying!!!! You guys I PUNCHED A PIGEON MID FLIGHT!!!
The day I get a girl pregnant is the day that I have an orgasm inside a girl and one of my sperm penetrates one of that girl's eggs.
is it "poontang", "poon tang" or "poon-tang"? I need to write my grandma a thank you card.
It's hard to believe I'm only going to masturbate 7 more times in 2009!
"Let's see them titties" - Mark Twain
for those who keep asking me why everyone is turning their pictures green - It's because it's St. Patrick's Day in Iran.
I have restless life syndrome
the fake bullet holes on the back of your car make me want to put real ones in the back of your head
can tweets be used as evidence in a court of law? I fucking hope not. I murdered 3 construction workers yesterday.
Oh shit, I have a boner. Time to stop twittering and get on Chatroulette
waiting for this auto repair estimate is like waiting to be told the size of the cock that you're going to be raped with
no silverware at Medieval Times. How do I heat up this heroin???? #MedievalTimes
40 years old and I still laugh every time I order a "large number 2" from a resaurant menu!
Suddenly David Letterman's "Worldwide Pants" makes a lot more sense.