I wasn't upset about that black cat crossing my path but mouthing "you're fucked" as he passed was just rude.

Wife got me an awesome ninja staff that plugs in and steam comes out when you slide it across the floor and OH GODDAMN IT THIS IS A MOP!

I'd probably listen to my conscience a lot more if it had a British accent.

My workout regimen consists of humming "Eye of the Tiger" really loud while I put on my shoes.

When I was a kid we didn't add flavor to our medicine and it tasted like shit but we liked it because we liked being not dead.

"Hi. Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like me to offer you every item on our menu before I allow you to place your predetermined order?"

When someone says "let me make myself clear" I secretly hope they are about to attempt invisibility.

I wish the people that go on and on about how smart animals are could've been here to see my dog throw up a bunch of rocks.

If you say "here's the best part" for the 2nd time in a story, know when I slap you it was the best part of that story for me.

Twitter is the only place where being a sociopath kind of helps your game.

As I get older, more and more of my Christmas wish list is just stuff I need from the grocery store.

If I was a rapper I'd name myself Orange so other rappers couldn't hurt my feelings making mean rhymes about me.

We passed a funeral home and my 3 year old said "There's heaven" and I said "Yup" because I'm tired of explaining things to these people.

I call bullshit on the Chinese language. There's no way that shit is real.

Behind my tweets is a simple man, pretending he doesn't have children... and sometimes imagining he's fighting dinosaurs and shit.

Once I took an "adult" dose of children's benedryl and spent 7 hours on my kitchen floor talking to my "future self" reflected in a spoon.

Much like broken hearts, bent mini blinds never fully recover.

So anyway, one of my favorite pastimes is not drowning.

Just to clarify, now that all the animals are dropping dead we don't have to recycle anymore right?

I'm at the age where I spend a lot of time threatening inanimate objects.