@stevewhitaker's (Steve Whitaker) most faved Tweets...
We built this city on Rock and Roll, but underneath the Rock and Roll, there was some light jazz, so everything collapsed and people died.
1. Wait for coworker to leave; go to her office.
2. Open Word
3. Tools -> AutoCorrect...
4. Replace "the" with "Oompa Loompa."
5. Quit Word
2. Open Word
3. Tools -> AutoCorrect...
4. Replace "the" with "Oompa Loompa."
5. Quit Word
I love masturbating as much as the next guy.
Apparently.
Dude's really going at it over there.
Kinda wish he'd stop.
This is a Wendy's.
Apparently.
Dude's really going at it over there.
Kinda wish he'd stop.
This is a Wendy's.
After holding my new nephew, I really want another baby, but my wife says no. I'm just going to get one anyways and surprise her with it.
There's nothing like leisurely lovemaking on a rainy Sunday morning.
Or so I've heard.
I, however, am being hit with a bat by my kids.
Or so I've heard.
I, however, am being hit with a bat by my kids.
My son, looking at the Fred and Wilma vitamins: "I think I'll eat the girl first."
Me: (opens mouth)
My wife: "Shut UP, Steve!"
Me: (opens mouth)
My wife: "Shut UP, Steve!"
In one generation, humans have gone from having no computers at all to bitching that their iPhones don't know the word "fuck."
If we truly do teach our children by doing, mine just learned that the oven is really fucking hot and daddy just burned his Goddamn fingers.
Giving the people in this meeting their Indian names: "Jumps on Bandwagon," "Nods while Listening," "Kisses Big Ass," and "Whisper Farter."
The hipster in line at Panera left his little hipster hat on the counter. I hid it, and now he has no idea who he is or how he's different.
OMG I love my job SO MUCH it should be classified as a drug.
They could call it workocet.
Side effects may include early-morning sarcasm.
They could call it workocet.
Side effects may include early-morning sarcasm.
I baked a little cobbler in the oven this morning.
Poor guy kept working on those shoes 'til his tiny hands caught fire.
Poor guy kept working on those shoes 'til his tiny hands caught fire.
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