“What Would Jesus Do” your bumper sticker asks? I doubt he would illegally park his Escalade in a handicapped spot to run into Starbucks.

I just drank four Redbulls and can know understand what R2D2 says.

Imagine if twisting a clit righty tighty or lefty loosey controlled vaginal tightness.

How come mom jeans get such a bad rap? What else goes with keds?

Dear Fuck Tard that stole my pen. I’m sick as fuck and use the cap like a Q-tip. Enjoy.

I like my women the way I like my grilled chicken: Moist and heavily sauced.

My walk of shame is when I have to walk across the office to get the plunger from the janitor closet.

How many Canadians am I allowed to follow?

The way I move when I step on a Lego leads me to believe I'd make a great Chippendale's dancer.

I love how my house smells of bacon. I go outside just so I can enjoy the aroma when I walk back in.

I can't explain why aliens travel all that distance just to sodomize rednecks.

Do you think Jamaicans sit around listening to Maroon 5 and wishing they lived in the suburbs?

If more women drove topless it would make going on long car trips fun

"Mom, why did you kill daddy?" - Frances Bean Cobain

I'm to tipsy for facebook but not drunk enough for twitter. Stuck in the realm of real life for now.

I came in a bottle of red Gatorade in an attempt to make a DIY lava lamp.

I like my women the way I like my fan belts - making strange noises and about to snap

I'm pretty sure GoGurts were invented to teach kids to suck dick and swallow.

Fuck you fireplaces that don't rotate and reveal a secret lair

“Please don’t bring your man purse when we hang out” – something I should never have to say. Ever.