Hey decaf coffee drinker....why not go smoke a candy cigarette when you're done with your play coffee.

I like to stomp on my hand and call it names. The make up masturbation is mind blowing.

I always cry after sex....$500 is a lot of money.

I have it on good authority that you mother fuckers were up late...cursing and drinking.

I laugh every time my wife says my dick smells like the dog's breath. How does she not pick up that hint of peanut butter?

My Twitter/RL line is so blurred. I walked up to a lady, told her a cunt joke then got mad when she refused to follow me around the store.

Having my 14 yr old drive me to store for more beer is responsible right? We live in the country people...he's like 26 in city years.

Twitter is pointless and I'm cancelling my account. Whew, she's gone. My wife was standing there but walked off. I'm never quiting you MF's!

I need some new clothes. Finding a gay lover my size would probably be more fun than the mall.

Oh, I'm not folding the clothes how you fold them? Maybe you should shut the fuck up since I'm folding the fucking clothes!!!

I'll force every inch of my love in you.

Confetti just shot from my dick. It seems I just reached my 1,000,000th climax. I really wish you guys could have been there.

Is throat punching a choking hooker a form of CPR or just more shit I pay for?

Anyone can please her body. Fuck her mind.

Is it odd that I am Twitter crush monogamous?

I'm out here driving the streets looking for you people. Put your fucking avi's on the mailboxes already!

Last week I was helping my grandpa bathe and as I lifted his raggedy old balls I thought...was Austin Powers and Dr. Evil the same actor?

Look baby, all those other @'s don't mean anything. You're the only Twitter crush for me.

I'd like to run a couple of things across you.

Just saw a Twitter crush talking to someone else and got a little jealous. Fuck me. I'm that guy that falls in love with the stripper.