Last I heard you were about to shoot your cannon.

I could get lost in your eyes. By eyes I mean your vagina. By lost I mean I have a baby carrot dick and you'll soon leave me.

I'm long on promises and short on delivery.

Yes ma'am. I'd be more than happy to handle that for you.

Studies show people don't read tweets about what studies show.

Checking out a cutie in traffic. Got even hotter as her SUV passed and there were kids in the back. Still looking good mama!!!

We really, truly belong together.

Congrats to the guys (or gals) who stole my Twitter crushes. You obviously have more RL time to cater to them. I'll move along now. (sigh)

Today marks the fifth year I've been married....to the idea of getting divorced.

Let's just stay in this hot shower and block out the world.

@cindymeakin Canada checking in. Hello up there.

Good morning newbies. This is the part of the show where I proclaim EST is the best time zone. I'm ignorant to your cultures and times.

If I take an online course and then fuck a guy can I attribute the gayness to my "crazy college years"?

I've trained my dick to play dead after spitting the poison out.

Aliens are great with space age technology and weapons....not so good with doorknobs.

I'm amazed at your ability to dismiss the issues.

If you call me Pickle than there's a good chance I'll let you explore my depths, sir.

@torieannesalt agreed. That is the topic of my top favstar tweet.

"I give the best blowjobs and love to do it". ~~ Every chick on Twitter but no wife in real life.

I've got a fully functioning Mouth Circumference Tester if you're interested.