Meh is a gateway shrug.

Going on Facebook is like going to a nursing home. You go because you feel guilty, but everything you see horrifies you.

I love how alcohol can provide clarity and blurriness at the same time.

Not to soak all your panties ladies, but I won a couple of spelling bees.

I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.

My family says that the term for being the only person drinking at this party is an "intervention."

I eat everything like I'm Cookie Monster. Everything. Ladies...

Girlfriend is snoring loudly. If the cops ask, I was with all of you tonight. Be cool.

This celery tastes like I hate being fat.

Guys! Guys! Did y'all know sex is better with someone else?

Does anyone else rock a Breathe Right nasal strip when face diving into pussy?

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there's a leak and we're in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

It's romantic to tell a lady that you miss her tits, right?

I'm not fat, I've just been enlarged to show texture.

Don't take me home to meet your mother. Cougars love me.

Is there an emoticon for a smoke grenade for when I exit Twitter like a ninja at night?

Adjusts glasses, combs beard, fastens water wings. Bring on the pussay!

Due to the love I've been shown off and on here the last few weeks, I've been feeling quite a bit better about myself. It feels weird.

Who wants to buy a "The world didn't end, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!" shirt?

How long before we all realize that all these Twitter accounts are just Skynet controlling us?