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Meh is a gateway shrug.
Going on Facebook is like going to a nursing home. You go because you feel guilty, but everything you see horrifies you.
Not to soak all your panties ladies, but I won a couple of spelling bees.
I love how alcohol can provide clarity and blurriness at the same time.
My family says that the term for being the only person drinking at this party is an "intervention."
Twitter is the greatest people zoo ever created.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there's a leak and we're in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I eat everything like I'm Cookie Monster. Everything. Ladies...
Talking to a pretty lady? Stop. Stammer time.
This celery tastes like I hate being fat.
I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.
Girlfriend is snoring loudly. If the cops ask, I was with all of you tonight. Be cool.
I'm fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Can I play Twitter with you guys? I brought my own controller and everything.
Guys! Guys! Did y'all know sex is better with someone else?
Does anyone else rock a Breathe Right nasal strip when face diving into pussy?
Don't take me home to meet your mother. Cougars love me.
I'm not fat, I've just been enlarged to show texture.
It's romantic to tell a lady that you miss her tits, right?
Stealing being illegal is why I can't have nice things.
Problem solver. Part of @Salty_Language podcast with @monotony and @hayes_t_r http://favstar.fm/users/stewnami