Nipple popped out babys mouth and squirted milk everywhere.
This caused a feeding frenzy.
3 other babies showed up & are now circling.

Note to self: do not attempt to pump breastmilk in the same room as a baby. Their sense of smell is better than a god damn bloodhound.

If my kid is real smart I'll tell her she's dumb so she's not like those brats who think they know everything.

Know-it-all little shits.

What the shit is everyone talking about? Lady Gaga had meat on her head?
Like that's the most fucked up thing she's done.

Shampoo says lather, rinse, repeat.
How many times am I expected to do this till I can get out of the shower?

You know what? I hope it does rain.
This shirt would look better on me wet anyways.

There's never a dick around when I need one.

Before I had a baby I totally understood ppl treating their pets like they're their children but now I'm like seriously, it's a fucking dog.

Screw hugs - I say we fuck it out.

Guys who don't go down on girls are lame.

Carrying this watermelon reminds me of Dirty Dancing.

That mango was like an orgasm in my mouth

So it's a good thing to get pussy but a bad thing to be called "pussy". Gotcha.

Dear Ice Cream Man,
When you see me in your rearview chasing you down the street like a child, please don't speed up and laugh.

Thx
Tiffany

Must do laundry.
All my bras are soaked with breast milk and baby vomit.

My vagina looks so teeny tiny.
Can't believe a baby came outta there a month ago.

Still disappointed I never got to have sex behind the info booth at HMV.
That's how I always planned to get fired.

Him (asking baby): what you wanna be for Halloween?
Baby: gaaaaaaa.
Him: I don't know what that is.

Him: you look nice in that dress
Me: oh, thank you
Him: you look nice in everything you wear
Me: ahhh..thanks
Sweet to creepy just like that

Why do cupcakes exists? Probably the same reason dicks do.
To go in my mouth.