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Its never good when my cat thinks outside the box.
I'd be a lot happier if the ice cream truck also sold frozen margaritas.
better late than pregnant
So far today I have not
A) eaten bacon
B) had any form of sex
Obviously this day is wasted.
Half of life is fucking up - the other half is dealing with it.
Woke up hungry. By hungry I mean hungover. By hungover I mean does anyone have any more vodka?
Having a productive Sunday afternoon. And by productive I mean sitting on my lazy ass and drinking beer.
I would like most people better if they weren't such obnoxious shitheads.
I was gonna open up this can of whoop ass but I broke my fingernail on the pull tab and then got a papercut from the label so fuck it.
Gonna walk around this mall parking lot and add large dicks to all the Dad stick figures on car windows.
Why yes... as a matter of fact, I am staring at your camel toe.
I generally like most people until they talk. Then the urge to punch them in the face kicks in.
I retweeted the RT about people not RTing and somebody RTed my RT about the RT and now I think I need vodka.
If it isn't already broken then keep me the hell away from it.
I don't have a cat. I have an agent of Satan.
Here's to nipples.... Without them, those tits would be pointless.
You never have to worry about forgetting that you ate corn.
I just looked up this hang nail on webmd and found out I have complete organ failure and about 6 hours to live.
Odds are, if it ain't printed on a cereal box, I ain't reading it.
I never make typos. You fuckers just read the shit wrong.