Its never good when my cat thinks outside the box.

I'd be a lot happier if the ice cream truck also sold frozen margaritas.

better late than pregnant

So far today I have not
A) eaten bacon
B) had any form of sex
C) farted

Obviously this day is wasted.

Half of life is fucking up - the other half is dealing with it.

Woke up hungry. By hungry I mean hungover. By hungover I mean does anyone have any more vodka?

Having a productive Sunday afternoon. And by productive I mean sitting on my lazy ass and drinking beer.

I would like most people better if they weren't such obnoxious shitheads.

I was gonna open up this can of whoop ass but I broke my fingernail on the pull tab and then got a papercut from the label so fuck it.

Gonna walk around this mall parking lot and add large dicks to all the Dad stick figures on car windows.

Why yes... as a matter of fact, I am staring at your camel toe.

I generally like most people until they talk. Then the urge to punch them in the face kicks in.

I retweeted the RT about people not RTing and somebody RTed my RT about the RT and now I think I need vodka.

If it isn't already broken then keep me the hell away from it.

I don't have a cat. I have an agent of Satan.

Here's to nipples.... Without them, those tits would be pointless.

You never have to worry about forgetting that you ate corn.

I just looked up this hang nail on webmd and found out I have complete organ failure and about 6 hours to live.

Odds are, if it ain't printed on a cereal box, I ain't reading it.

I never make typos. You fuckers just read the shit wrong.