Some guy broke into my Apt. last week. He didn’t even take the TV -just the remote. Now he drives by every so often and changes the channel.

95% of all house dust is human skin cells + I’m allergic to dust + I live alone = I’m allergic to myself???

I love singing the song "Free Bird" to my parakeet... while he sits there... in his cage...

This gay rights thing pisses me off... I have 3 sons. With gay marriage legalized there's a 'slight' chance I’ll have to pay for a wedding..

You know those cones they put on dog’s heads? Why don’t they have wrist sized versions for teens who masturbate too much?

Dear Twitter, I know someone who had his hand cut off. He didn’t consider the experience a “minor technical glitch”..

MOM… MOM… COME LOOK!! 40 sexy women started following me in the past 5 minutes. That must mean I’m really funny… I told you!!

I woke up this morning to the smell of coffee, bacon, pancakes on the griddle.. I looked around.. God dammit, I passed out in Denny’s again.

Have you ever walked through a Walmart, looked at everyone around you and asked yourself “how many of these people were born with a tail?”

Cops break my balls for talking on a cell while driving in Idaho but that cash cab guy can host a game show while driving through Manhattan?

How shitty was Billy Ocean’s car… he had to ask her like 20 times to get into it...?

Me “hitting it off” with a woman at a bar: Me: You’re cool, how old are you? W: 49. Me: Wow, I would of guessed 39. W: I said 29.

Knowing that I’m my dog’s TV, I’m surprised he tolerates watching the same episode every day: “Dad masturbates then drinks the guilt away”

Oral sex is just like spinach… you have to convince kids that although they don’t like it now they just might like it when they’re an adult…

My 8yo boy figured out the Tooth Fairy because “she” got drunk, forgot to hit an ATM and slid a book of postage stamps under his pillow...

Did my yearly self-check for cancer today. Why does it always start w/ me nervous in the bathroom and end w/ me excited on the internet?

CoW: My 15 year old was caught shoplifting 3 times in the past 2 months. Me: It’s gotta’ hurt learning your son sucks at something...

I’m starting to worry more about getting Alzheimer’s than cancer… but for the life of me I can’t remember why.

Had a prostate exam today…. Ever see a homeless guy check a payphone for a quarter??

I asked a worker at the bookstore where the self-help section was. She said “If I told you that it would defeat the whole purpose..”