police report: midget fortune teller just robbed a bank. we've officially got ourselves a small medium at large

ok seriously, what the fuck is the point of those half sheet paper towels??

i spent about 90% of my paycheck on alcohol and snacks. the rest i just wasted.

the word "besties" really needs to fuck off and die

if you insist on taking a self photo in a bathroom mirror, at least have the sense to take some windex and a paper towel to the glass first.

i have photographic mammaries

facebook: the new number one word that starts with f and ends with k.

facebook that shit.

my mom just randomly sent me a pair of slippers in the mail. i wonder when the package of cats will arrive

i have no enemies, but my friends can't stand me

being the cock whisperer comes with a lot of power and responsibility. i am not a sideshow act; i take my craft seriously.

my boyfriend and i love role playing in bed, but we always fight over who gets to be terri schiavo.

I was voted "most likely to travel back in time." - class of 2077

best way to get someone to stop calling you: loan them some money.

a watched pot does in fact boil, fucking liars.

can i claim my stalker as a dependent?

stick your cash in my redbox and let's make a video

i like it, so i'm gonna put a cock ring on it.

twitter makes me hate holidays

i don't care care that the government shutdown is now called off. i am NOT returning this nice crap i looted from their offices! oh hell naw

when I die I want my friends to forever drag me around with them to bars and such, and prop me up in the corner, weekend at bernie's style.