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police report: midget fortune teller just robbed a bank. we've officially got ourselves a small medium at large
ok seriously, what the fuck is the point of those half sheet paper towels??
i spent about 90% of my paycheck on alcohol and snacks. the rest i just wasted.
the word "besties" really needs to fuck off and die
if you insist on taking a self photo in a bathroom mirror, at least have the sense to take some windex and a paper towel to the glass first.
i have photographic mammaries
facebook: the new number one word that starts with f and ends with k.
facebook that shit.
my mom just randomly sent me a pair of slippers in the mail. i wonder when the package of cats will arrive
i have no enemies, but my friends can't stand me
being the cock whisperer comes with a lot of power and responsibility. i am not a sideshow act; i take my craft seriously.
my boyfriend and i love role playing in bed, but we always fight over who gets to be terri schiavo.
I was voted "most likely to travel back in time." - class of 2077
best way to get someone to stop calling you: loan them some money.
a watched pot does in fact boil, fucking liars.
can i claim my stalker as a dependent?
stick your cash in my redbox and let's make a video
i like it, so i'm gonna put a cock ring on it.
twitter makes me hate holidays
i don't care care that the government shutdown is now called off. i am NOT returning this nice crap i looted from their offices! oh hell naw
when I die I want my friends to forever drag me around with them to bars and such, and prop me up in the corner, weekend at bernie's style.