i ate a bowl of alphabet soup earlier and just shit out a perfectly worded suicide note.

what a waste. no hangover. no throbbing lady parts. no stranger in my bed. no shame & regret.

i feel great today and i hate this.

totally enjoying a day of having no plans, watching movies at home, eating snacks & drinking.

i havent had a day like this since yesterday.

remember on sunday to set the clock back one hour, and then on tuesday to NOT set the country back 50 years.

hey mcdonald's cashier: don't you judge me. last time i checked there was no age limit on happy meals.

oh and don't forget the fucking toy.

fresh start I guess. lets remain positive. my twitter account is clean like a freshly douched vagina after a rough night of gangbanging.

tonight's shenanigans will involve assless chaps and my boyfriend's strap on.

i'm super horny tonight. its basically regular horny, only this time i'm wearing a cape and a mask.

I feel like a negative newborn having been assigned this egg as my pic. let's fertilize this bitch and get this party started.

does this half full wine glass in my hand at 7am make me look optimistic?

it looks like I had my makeup gun set to "tammy faye" today.

its only kinky the first time.

it seems I'm the only one who fell for the rapture bullshit last night. on the bright side I had the whole spaceship to myself.

i'm the person who brings potluck contributions peppered with visible cat hairs & stands over you til you taste it & tell me its delicious.

someone spiked the fucking coffee this morning.

it was me, and you're welcome.

everyone deserves to be treated equally. whether you're black, asian, mexican, or normal.

if you don't think that things can get worse, then you don't have a very good imagination.

i wish the cat would drop a shit in his box to cover up the smell of these scented candles that i bought to cover up the smell of his shit.

i'm not saying my sister's a slut, but if her vagina had a password it would be "password."

i've got the golden shower ticket.

- willy wanker