‎10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash - Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash!

Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a girl who's knees dont bend!! ;)

Naps are for old people, I take a horizontal life pause.

I see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's Monday burning to the ground.

I think cops should yell "PICKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" before they taze someone.

"2pac's" of "Eminems" cost "50 Cent" thats "Ludacris"

I think cow tipping is probably the most aggressive form of lactose intolerance.

Danger is my middle name.
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First name: Avoids
Last name: Completely

( ) single
( ) taken
(x) mentally dating a celebrity that doesn't know you exist

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.......!

Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor, Instagram is the bar, and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.

Today, a 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?" I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

"3 Apples changed the World, 1st one seduced Eve, 2nd fell on Newton and the 3rd was offered to the World half bitten by Steve Jobs."

I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant" will come back on 32 and a Grandma! ;)

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

"Blessed are the forgetful : for they get the better even of their blunders." - Friedrich Nietzsche.

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.