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Huh, I just started following my 141st person... and here I thought we were limited to 140 characters!
Really, multi-million $ baby food industry? Best you come up with is "Formula"? How about "I Can't Believe It's Not Mommy." You're welcome.
Man, that Tai Chi this afternoon kinda kicked my ass. Well, actually it was the Chai Tea, but that doesn't sound nearly as cool.
I don't like to talk about my pronouns. They're personal.
Uuugh. Anyone who comes across as being chipper this morning shall find themselves being fed into one.
Good thing you included your email address in your signature line of the email you just sent me. Now I will be able to reply to you.
Is there anything more annoying than a gas pump that kicks off every 3 seconds? Sure, world hunger, maybe. But this is up there.
Guy in front of me at CVS is buying condoms, flowers, vodka and tylenol. There'll be no excuses tonight.
Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.
Happiness pro-tip: Go to Tools > Life > Review > Accept All Changes. Don't forget to Save often.
Does shaking off my umbrella more than three times mean I'm playing with it?
Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'
I'm following about 20 people going south on I-65. They're not nearly as funny as you guys.I'd unfollow if there was another route.
Holy crap! Wife & kids are napping, beer in hand and it's quiet for 1:00 kickoff? THIS must be the part of the movie where zombies attack.
I love acting hypocritical, but I can't stand it when other people do.
I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some oil, salami, bacon, a little lettuce.
I call it "5 Hour Footlong."
While scanning my music library, my anti-virus flagged a Miley Cyrus album as 'questionable content'. I am now McAfee's biggest fan.
So, 3yo and I invented a new game tonight, while baby's sleeping, called "Super Quiet Marching Band" I love that he's still impressionable.
This "ultra whitening" toothpaste isn't effective at all! Oh, hey, brb... Gotta finish my coffee & chocolate donut before my smoke break...
I have strong negative feelings towards absolute values.
I am unique and original, just like everybody else.
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