Huh, I just started following my 141st person... and here I thought we were limited to 140 characters!

Really, multi-million $ baby food industry? Best you come up with is "Formula"? How about "I Can't Believe It's Not Mommy." You're welcome.

Uuugh. Anyone who comes across as being chipper this morning shall find themselves being fed into one.

Man, that Tai Chi this afternoon kinda kicked my ass. Well, actually it was the Chai Tea, but that doesn't sound nearly as cool.

Guy in front of me at CVS is buying condoms, flowers, vodka and tylenol. There'll be no excuses tonight.

I don't like to talk about my pronouns. They're personal.

Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.

Happiness pro-tip: Go to Tools > Life > Review > Accept All Changes. Don't forget to Save often.

I'm following about 20 people going south on I-65. They're not nearly as funny as you guys.I'd unfollow if there was another route.

Is there anything more annoying than a gas pump that kicks off every 3 seconds? Sure, world hunger, maybe. But this is up there.

Holy crap! Wife & kids are napping, beer in hand and it's quiet for 1:00 kickoff? THIS must be the part of the movie where zombies attack.

Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some oil, salami, bacon, a little lettuce.

I call it "5 Hour Footlong."

Does shaking off my umbrella more than three times mean I'm playing with it?

I love acting hypocritical, but I can't stand it when other people do.

While scanning my music library, my anti-virus flagged a Miley Cyrus album as 'questionable content'. I am now McAfee's biggest fan.

This "ultra whitening" toothpaste isn't effective at all! Oh, hey, brb... Gotta finish my coffee & chocolate donut before my smoke break...

So, 3yo and I invented a new game tonight, while baby's sleeping, called "Super Quiet Marching Band" I love that he's still impressionable.

I have strong negative feelings towards absolute values.

Sometimes when I'm down, I type 5318008 into my calculator watch, flip it over & giggle. Oops, did I just admit I have a calculator watch?