Huh, I just started following my 141st person... and here I thought we were limited to 140 characters!

Really, multi-million $ baby food industry? Best you come up with is "Formula"? How about "I Can't Believe It's Not Mommy." You're welcome.

Uuugh. Anyone who comes across as being chipper this morning shall find themselves being fed into one.

Man, that Tai Chi this afternoon kinda kicked my ass. Well, actually it was the Chai Tea, but that doesn't sound nearly as cool.

Happiness pro-tip: Go to Tools > Life > Review > Accept All Changes. Don't forget to Save often.

I don't like to talk about my pronouns. They're personal.

I'm following about 20 people going south on I-65. They're not nearly as funny as you guys.I'd unfollow if there was another route.

Holy crap! Wife & kids are napping, beer in hand and it's quiet for 1:00 kickoff? THIS must be the part of the movie where zombies attack.

Is there anything more annoying than a gas pump that kicks off every 3 seconds? Sure, world hunger, maybe. But this is up there.

Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.

I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some oil, salami, bacon, a little lettuce.

I call it "5 Hour Footlong."

Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

So, 3yo and I invented a new game tonight, while baby's sleeping, called "Super Quiet Marching Band" I love that he's still impressionable.

I love acting hypocritical, but I can't stand it when other people do.

Does shaking off my umbrella more than three times mean I'm playing with it?

This "ultra whitening" toothpaste isn't effective at all! Oh, hey, brb... Gotta finish my coffee & chocolate donut before my smoke break...

While scanning my music library, my anti-virus flagged a Miley Cyrus album as 'questionable content'. I am now McAfee's biggest fan.

I have strong negative feelings towards absolute values.

Sometimes when I'm down, I type 5318008 into my calculator watch, flip it over & giggle. Oops, did I just admit I have a calculator watch?

My take on premarital sex? Why, I subscribe to the Zenith philosophy: The Quality goes in before the Name goes on.