RAGNAROK AROUND THE CLOCK

Really hoping my life is just the daydream of an autistic boy gazing into a snow globe for 34 years...

In an effort to be more positive, I'm gonna have a meltUP.

This tweet will be my "Guernica."

GONE ROOSTER-SNUFFIN'

I snuffed The Rooster in the study with the candlestick holder.

Candy bars are smaller than they used to be yet they cost a lot more. A skilled comedian could go wild with a sweet premise like that.

The remix: WAS THAT A GOOD DRUM-BREAK?

I got no friends cos they read the Twitter, they can't be seen with meee... :(

If you've ever wondered if you're a sociopath, then you probably aren't one.

No one's ever compared me to GG Allin but I bet they will at some point. :(

It's amazing to me that standup comedy, a pursuit that is explicitly designed to make people feel good, is the catalyst for so much strife.

If I get 2,000 more followers, I can finally join my mother in the kingdom of heaven. Please RT.

Every standup performance is really just a cry for help.

Listening to old school 50's rockabilly. MY LIFE IS BARRELING DOWN DEAD MAN'S CURVE AND I CAN'T FIND MY SEATBELT.

This homeless dude with the cat on his arm AND the cane in his other hand has got it all figured out...

RT if you are beautiful no matter what they say.

Guys with beards love to talk to other guys with beards about having beards.

My father's girlfriend cheated on him at the hospital while he was dying. This is partly why I don't identify myself as a feminist. :)

Asked out a punk rock girl tonight and she said yes! Unfortunately, she doesn't own a phone, might be homeless. STILL GOT IT, NEVER LOST IT.