oh to wake up to a sportless world

imagine if Ron Jeremy was santa.

world's oldest person has died. AGAIN. man, his life must suck.

#properanimalnames armadillo: teflon possum

i always get fred durst and kirsten dunst mixed up.

i have the most inexplicable urge to go into the kitchen, lay on my side and spin-run in a circle.

Born in Arizona, moved to Anhedonia. #artwiculate

every time i hear someone at hosp thanking god or jesus for a medical miracle it's all i can do to not thwap them. THANK SCIENCE, IMBECILE.

hemidemisemiquaver? i didn't even kiss her! #artwiculate

a pristine captain jack harkness coat for 12 bucks at st vinnie's? hell yes.

@itsdings "put it on my bill"

the woman who eats the same thing every fucking day while muttering, "mm, that's good mcdonalds." #annoyingcoworkers

#talklikeyourmom don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, men are bad, drinking is bad, sex is bad, fun is bad, everything is bad, give me money

in 20 years, #cutforbieber will be as laughable as, say, cutting for captain and tenille would have been in 1978.

just found out my bf says "pop" instead of "soda". i hope he realizes this is the shot over the proverbial bow and we are now at war.

"that" pussy. "those" tits. "that" ass. never "your". male linguistic tactic to separate the parts from the human.

i just realized: there are no female cereal mascots. these are the things that keep me awake at night.

10 generations to devolve into "tweets". god bless america.

"u̶n̶a̶l̶i̶e̶n̶ab i̶̶̶n̶̶̶a̶̶̶l̶̶̶l̶̶̶i̶̶̶e̶̶̶n̶̶̶a̶b̶a̶l̶e̶ i̶n̶a̶l̶l̶e̶n̶a̶n̶b̶i̶n̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ a̶l̶i̶n̶a̶b̶i̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ fuck it." -Jefferson

enwhitlement.