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Here's why signing in is good for you.
Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Someone told me "twitter is for stupid people that don't have friends". I told her "twitter is for funny people that don't want friends".
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I'm glad the pet stores close before the bar does. I could see drunken pet adoption being a real problem for me.
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
That awkward moment when all the white people in the bar don't know if the song is "Ice Ice Baby" or "Under Pressure".
Grocery Clerk: Did you find everything OK?
Me: I didn't find a hug.
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: You're out of blowjobs too.
If anyone needs me I'll be drinking wine on my lawn, screaming "COME AND GET ME, MOTHERFUCKER!" at the sky.
If my name was Dave I'd text my friends today saying "IT'S FRIDAVE! LET'S PARTY!". They'd be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I accidentally mixed the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in with the regular butter and NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!
I'm in a band with my dog. He barks while I eat Cheetos. It's indie, you wouldn't get it. witstream. somecards. and I'm married.