I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".

Someone told me "twitter is for stupid people that don't have friends". I told her "twitter is for funny people that don't want friends".

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Buttholes are just gay vaginas.

That awkward moment when all the white people in the bar don't know if the song is "Ice Ice Baby" or "Under Pressure".

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

How big of a Justin Bieber fan do you have to be before your period syncs up with his?

If anyone needs me I'll be drinking wine on my lawn, screaming "COME AND GET ME, MOTHERFUCKER!" at the sky.

I had to buy some toilet paper and now everyone at the store knows that I poop :(

Grocery Clerk: Did you find everything OK?
Me: I didn't find a hug.
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: You're out of blowjobs too.

I bet if the elephant in the room got an erection people would start talking about it.

I'm glad the pet stores close before the bar does. I could see drunken pet adoption being a real problem for me.

If you aren't a Nazi right now, thank a veteran.

I accidentally mixed the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in with the regular butter and NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!

I LOST MY JOB!!!


OH! Nope! There it is! It was hiding under the 17 twitter windows I had open on my screen.

You aren't truly an adult until you have no friends who still decorate with empty liquor bottles.

If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn't get weird.