Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Someone told me "twitter is for stupid people that don't have friends". I told her "twitter is for funny people that don't want friends".

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

I'm glad the pet stores close before the bar does. I could see drunken pet adoption being a real problem for me.

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

That awkward moment when all the white people in the bar don't know if the song is "Ice Ice Baby" or "Under Pressure".

Buttholes are just gay vaginas.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

How big of a Justin Bieber fan do you have to be before your period syncs up with his?

Grocery Clerk: Did you find everything OK?
Me: I didn't find a hug.
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: You're out of blowjobs too.

I had to buy some toilet paper and now everyone at the store knows that I poop :(

If anyone needs me I'll be drinking wine on my lawn, screaming "COME AND GET ME, MOTHERFUCKER!" at the sky.

I bet if the elephant in the room got an erection people would start talking about it.

Not riding your shopping cart to your car is the first sign of depression.

If my name was Dave I'd text my friends today saying "IT'S FRIDAVE! LET'S PARTY!". They'd be sick of me by Tuesdave.

If you aren't a Nazi right now, thank a veteran.

Frozen Yogurt: It's just like ice cream, only fuck you.

I accidentally mixed the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in with the regular butter and NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!