@sunnybucket's most faved Tweets...
Yes I did steal your bf in high school.15yrs ago.If you're still hung up on that you're gonna hate what I do to ur husband at the reunion.
"Is he a hipster?" "Worse, he's a 38 year old man with a soul patch and highlights who still spikes his hair." "You're dating 1997."
You know you're shopping for an impossible man when your gift-giving dilemma ends with "fuck it, I'll just let him put it in my butt."
Coworker: I've been collecting Precious Moments since I was 15. Me:The precious moments I've collected since I was 15 resulted in pregnancy.
Parenting advice from you is much like those beads you're wearing - they both looked better before you pulled them from your ass.
Yes, I know what you're saying. You don't need to add 'y'know what I'm saying?' to everything you say. I promise, you're not that complex.
You're 300 lbs wearing short-shorts and a tight shirt that reads "I make boys cry". . . .yes you do honey, but not for the reason you think.
You're right, Jesus does love you. That must be a great comfort after realizing that everyone you work with thinks you're a total cockjob.
Me: Do you have any duct tape I can borrow? Neighbor: Sure, whatcha need duct tape for? Me: I'm babysitting. Neighbor: ...
People suck. That's why there's beer. And porn. And xanax. And imaginary friends on twitter. But mostly beer (to wash down the xanax).
Flooring it and weaving in and out of traffic is mighty impressive. How DO you fit all that masculinity into the trunk of a mini cooper?
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OH: "Being in the IT dept does in NO WAY indicate that I know what the fuck I'm doing." And by 'OH' I mean other people overheard ME say it.
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The excitement my 3yrold gets from a gutter ball makes me realize she's really happy being a loser. Obviously she gets that from her dad.
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Sure, you think he looks lonely sitting there all alone eating his lunch, but that guy has more voices in his head than you have friends.
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"I need to find a new shirt to wear to the Nascar race." "I'm pretty sure shirts are optional at Nascar. Just like teeth."
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Y'know that stick that you have shoved up your ass? If you don't get over yourself, I'm going to yank it out and beat you with it.
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I don't mind that you use my conference room to sneak a nap in but the next time you wake up stroking your morning wood, I'll cockpunch you.
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Ugg boots, a bumpit AND an Ed Hardy tshirt? Even if you were literally coming from an ACTUAL train wreck, that still wouldn't look good.
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My son and I returned empties. Now it smells like I took my 5yrold on a pub crawl. Which is weird....because y'know, it's only Wednesday.
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Another friend getting married makes me want to start getting cats. When I die alone, eating my face off should keep them alive.
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