EVERYONE starts at 1 follower, so yeah, don't be a fucking dick.

Men, if you ever ask a woman about her top 5 favorite moments of the day & taking off her bra isn't one of them, she's a damn liar.

I wonder how spiders decide whose life they're going to fuck with next?

You know when you say something that you think is hilarious, but other people won't even pity-titter, so you laugh alone? I live there.

Between 2-5 am I usually feel like I'm in an extended deleted scene from Mulholland Drive.

The phone number that goes nowhere actually rings a phone in a David Lynch film.

Favstar is a secondary thing for me. I read all your stuff straight from my timeline, just like the pilgrims used to.

But seriously, do office supplies make anyone else horny?

I think life is shaped most by the random strays we weren't intending to pick up.

People who screech about salmonella when you want to lick the brownie batter bowl must be dead inside.

If you stay up late enough, there will be a period of time when you and the Dalai Lama are the only ones on Twitter.

I don't have tons of rules about how to "do" Twitter, but if you rely on Adele fat jokes then you're not gonna be in my timeline.

Things movers would say about me: "Damn, that bitch needs a Kindle."

If anyone asks me why I started working out again I'll smile sweetly and simply say, "Rage."

If you say you love me, that probably means you haven't watched me eat a salad yet.

Give me weird people over pompous people any day.

What's that, pancakes? You want to be inside me?

A girl I went to high school with is now living in Bolivia teaching art. I own 2 Apple computers & an iPod. We're on the same page, right?

When Dante's Inferno was published, they forgot the level of Hell where people are forced to pull dry socks on wet feet over & over.

Please god, don't ever let me become a compulsive high-fiver.