What are people who don't eat meat called again? oh right al Qaeda

You have nice hair... it would look even better in my crotch

Couldn't tell whether that was semen or icing on my shirt, either way it was delish

It's the remix to ignition / r. kelly are you a christian / you know that jesus still loves you / no matter on who you are pissin

#4wordsaftersex I ate the bones

"Rugs before drugs" - Rug salesman who's probably on drugs

Whenever someone is like 'Oh your brother is hot' I'm like 'Hell yeah he is' then I start jerking off in front of them

I blame women for my depression. If they just showed me their tits more often I'd be happy

Women don't look better with age, but a beard does

You ever make sex so good to a girl she forgets how to make a sandwich afterwards?

These farts are like the contractions of the turd baby I'm going to have later

Gotta plow a 4 to appreciate an 8

"I'm still mad at you for licking my tuna fish sandwich that one time" - Me to a picture of my dead cat

They used to call me "gym rat" in high school cuz I'd eat cheese off the floor of the weight room

Everyday is a workout when you're carrying a 20 pound python in your pants

Everyone has flaws. Mine are singing too loud in the shower, volunteering too much, and sometimes hitting people with my car.

My new book "Tuesdays with Eric" comes out next week. It's basically just me describing how I pre my jorts every time I see Ryan Gosling

Are you having a boy or an abortion?

Shape shifting Jew http://t.co/xWxlps8Z

I wanna get lost in your thighs