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What are people who don't eat meat called again? oh right al Qaeda
You have nice hair... it would look even better in my crotch
Couldn't tell whether that was semen or icing on my shirt, either way it was delish
It's the remix to ignition / r. kelly are you a christian / you know that jesus still loves you / no matter on who you are pissin
"Rugs before drugs" - Rug salesman who's probably on drugs
Whenever someone is like 'Oh your brother is hot' I'm like 'Hell yeah he is' then I start jerking off in front of them
I blame women for my depression. If they just showed me their tits more often I'd be happy
Women don't look better with age, but a beard does
You ever make sex so good to a girl she forgets how to make a sandwich afterwards?
These farts are like the contractions of the turd baby I'm going to have later
Gotta plow a 4 to appreciate an 8
"I'm still mad at you for licking my tuna fish sandwich that one time" - Me to a picture of my dead cat
They used to call me "gym rat" in high school cuz I'd eat cheese off the floor of the weight room
Everyday is a workout when you're carrying a 20 pound python in your pants
Everyone has flaws. Mine are singing too loud in the shower, volunteering too much, and sometimes hitting people with my car.
My new book "Tuesdays with Eric" comes out next week. It's basically just me describing how I pre my jorts every time I see Ryan Gosling
Are you having a boy or an abortion?
I wanna get lost in your thighs