While you guys are wasting your life by tweeting, the people on my Facebook are saving malnourished Somalian babies by Liking their images.

So this man walks up to me, tryin to offer weight loss services. I ate him.

I suck at telling jokes, cause I start laughing even before I reach the punchline. The doctor says I have premature hehejaculation.

Every new t-shirt you buy is a future night dress.

Open a document. Rename it 'the world'. Save it. You just saved the world. You're a hero.

#Imsomiddleclass I wear my mom's old clothes and call them 'vintage'.

According to Hindustan Times, Neil Armstrong was also the first homosexual http://t.co/1pybqyIP

If The Hindu asked me 'What newspaper do you read?' I would have said Twitter.

Wouldn't it suck if you died and went to heaven and found all the 72 virgins to be engineering boys?

Of course I have friends! All 10 seasons of them!

Arnab Goswami is probably terrible at sex, because he never lets the other person finish.

Bappi Lahiri never cries, because jab ghar mein pada ho sona, to kahe ko rona?

1.Bone that hottie 2.Make obnoxious noises 3.Pretend to be a dumbfuck 4.Plot world domination 5.Poop on cars - A pigeon's daily itenerary.

I'm going to get a dog and name him Guess. So when someone asks his name, I'll say 'Guess', and fuck with their happiness.

Hrithik is lucky. Apna naam roshan karne ke liye use sirf paida hona tha.

A fat person is always looking for someone fatter than them, so they can say 'at least I'm not THAT fat'. #TrueStory

It's because of YouTube comments like these I still have faith in humanity pic.twitter.com/ErNc8bqrb9

Quick grammar lesson:

1. At [space] least
2. Of [space] course

And if you still make these errors, you're a:

3. Cunt [space] bag

I want to be a senior citizen when I grow up.

Dear Hindi gaalis, thank you for existing. Nothing in the world is more theraputic than screaming you out.