It's nice when a girl buys you a drink. It only gets weird when you go to her place & she puts on a strap-on & says "pay up!"

This nice guy pulled up & offered me candy, to get in his car. It wasn't my brand, so we're on our way to the store.

No Officer I wasn't soliciting. I asked "her" for a ride. (trying to confuse the Po Po.)

For dramatic effect I walk slowly into the sunset, then when no one is looking I go the direction I intended to.

I also use Twitter as a medical resource. I'm not totally sure how this dildo in my ass is going to help my earache, but I trust you guys.

Is it racial profiling if a white guy gets pulled over, while wearing a gorilla suit?

Being truly sarcastic, is having the innate ability to insult people without them realizing what happened.

My ventriloquism skills are really being pushed, when I have to throw my voice & pretend I'm the girl screaming in my trunk.

If there were a Get Me The Fuck Outta Here Card, I would have already used it twice today!

If I were ever violated by a girl, I would put up a fight, but my boner would give me away.

When I'm feeling dramatic. I'll put on a pair of glasses & pull them off mid-sentence, demonstrating my distain for your ideas.

If you call someone a cunt faced koala, all they remember is koala & they're like...awwwww bc koalas are adorable.

At the ER trying to explain how a beer bottle, earring & a golf ball were "found" in my anus.

My friends wife just came downstairs fully decked for snow skiing and it's 100 F. She's been self-medicating again & it's AWESOME!!

My most favorite thing in the world is when drunk girls laugh seven octaves higher than a human can hear.

Get in there, do the job right & get out, is my philosophy for strong armed robbery & sex.

Never done opium, but how could a completely sane man such as Poe or the entire country of Afghanistan be wrong?!

Have you ever gotten into a spitting contest with a Llama? It was fun at first, then I shot it. I'm a sore loser.

The people at the retirement home don't appreciate me dressing as the grim reaper. Fuck them, at least I went to see my Grandma.

Children of privilege are dream makers, the others...not so much.