I prefer to call you guys enablers instead of followers.

I thought i loved some1 as much as was possible, then I met my son and I felt bad for how little I really loved everyone else in comparison.

Nothing says 'I love you' like leaving before I have to ask you to.

Guys. Seriously. Pay attention: learn how to say 'I'm sorry'. It ends your stress. Instantly.





You can learn how to mean it later.

Why is havoc the only thing that is ever wreaked? Im making it a point to wreak something besides havoc by the day's end.

I've been thinking of using hair straightener on my pubic hair. Styling options are so limited. I think the ladies would appreciate bangs.

Sometimes I want my empathy gland removed.

If I can't be on you, I want to be on your mind.

If you can calmly walk up ur basement stairs as an adult without having the urge to run/ look behind you....Your childhood sucked.

FYI roadhead goes both ways, ladies. Wear more skirts.

Of course it's complicated...it involves a vagina.

I'm more concerned with the way a woman kisses than how she fucks. You can fix bad sex.

Sometimes real strength is simply having the courage to fake it.

Are you going to just quietly Fuck off, or do I have to take this pill.

You don't have to know how to BE sexy, you just have to know that you ARE sexy.

Why yes, I AM hoping that my disapproving stare-down as I pass inspires you to repent & immediately drive the way I want you to.

When your sleeping child tucks a foot under you to act like a pressure switch so they can wake up if you try to leave. Yeah... That.

Funsized candybars are small enough to put in a bowl an pour milk over. Yes I did.

Psssst..... If 1/2 ur tweets are desperate search for true love & the other 1/2 are u acting like a filthy whore...

See the problem yet?

Hey fat guys with a chinstrap beard, Thanks for telling us all where you think your jawline is.