I thought I'd be getting older and wiser, but all I got was a pair of knees that predict the weather.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

I've been told I cannot say ''Cervix'' at IHOP. Oh. Sorry.

Then my mom gets all pissy about me drinking her beer. Hey, do you want me to play Yahtzee or not? There are prerequisites.

My boyfriend just told me to stop yelling at Rachael Ray. But I can't help it.

I think ''Perpetual Erection'' would be a great name for a band.

I have a headache again. I think the trigger is MY LIFE SUCKING.

I'm going to treat myself to some cheap Ramen. And by treat, I mean give myself hypertension. Breakfast of champions.

Everyone else's boobs get stars but mine. I call bullshit.

Turned on my heel to ninja kick the door shut and got a cramp. A ninja cramp.

*cough*

Pulled a cork out of a bottle of wine with my teeth. Quintessential American? Or wino?

My dad just said my sister "has A.D.D. of the head." Oh yes, he did.

My total came to $6.66, and the guy asked me if I wanted to add on one more item.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. As a tooth-fairy. WHAT. THE. FUCK. He needs a new agent. And apparently his balls back.

My mom and sister asked me to play Yahtzee with them. I said I wasn't nearly drunk enough. They bring religion into it. I'm serious.

The most attentive person in my life right now is the cat. And he's just in it for the free belly scratches.

Thank you, Modern Family, for using "Tom Selleck" as a verb.

I love Sarah Jessica Parker just as much as the next gay man.

If you Google me, my Twitter link is fucking number one! Hell to the yes! I beat out Jessica Rowley the pregnant Catholic priest!

TOTALLY just finished my laundry. That's right. Shit, if I wore as many jeans as I do pajama pants.. well, I'd have washed way more jeans...