This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?

Only crackers would name their kid Graham.

A group of kids had a "honk if your horny" sign so obviously I pulled over and lectured them on the difference between your and you're.

What's with chicks? "Treat me like a princess!" "Don't build a moat in my front yard!" Make up your mind idiot.

Maybe it was inappropriate for a first date but if there's a maze on the menu I'm asking for crayons.

Kim Kardashian had a fake legal marriage for a reality TV show, but hey, at least the gays aren't ruining the sanctity right?

To the hipster on his laptop; sorry I shoved all your "work" on the floor but this is Dunkin Donuts bro, we don't play that Starbucks shit.

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward, I hope she likes my parents.

I never thought I'd say this but I really wish Buffy would come back to take care of this Twilight problem.

At McDonalds you can get a double quarter pounder but not a half pounder because poor people can't compound fractions.

I really wish Fuck, Marry, Kill was a game and not my dating cycle.

The KKK would probably come off as less hateful and more fun if someone had taught them how to tie dye.

If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a playboy.

"You're getting hot" is ok to say to a child if they're searching for something hidden but not ok if you just haven't seen them in awhile.

Unless it's glass and contains whiskey I have little to no interest in your tumblr.

Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.

A girl at the bar told me she was on 'funemployment' which was the cutest way anyones ever told me they're a loser.

Nothing says "I can't stand your stupid face" like couples who sit on the same side of the booth.

In honor of talk like a pirate day I'm going around the office and telling everyone how I haven't paid for music since 2005.

Can someone tell Buzz that it's impossible to go beyond infinity, guy's pretty stupid for an astronaut.