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I was a big fan of god's early work but his new stuff just seems like a desperate plea for attention
my hipster wife is on her way to the hospital with severe burns in her mouth because she tried to to eat my lasagna before it was cool
never gotten the amount of cheese grated on my pasta I want in a restaurant because I feel guilty when the waiter starts looking fatigued
the cigarette behind your ear tells me you mean business, but the footsie pajamas give no indication of what that business could possibly be
It's a lot easier to hide a boner with your earth science book than it is a kindle.
If you call a white person racist be prepared to listen to them talk about all the rap music they listen to
this walmart pharmacist better honor the fact that my dealer is willing to match and beat their prices
no one ever takes me seriously in my one piece courdoroy outfit but no one ever fucks with me either
gotta love someone who mocks a child for believing in the easter bunny at 10 but believes in god at 40
your mom is only a steve miller band song away from taking her clothes off for me
Whenever I start thinking my masturbation has gotten out of hand I remind myself that is physically impossible
how convenient that the person you sleep next to is also the most likely person in the world to murder you
monogamous is a word I only use to describe my relationship with my toothbrush
People waiting for government to do right by them are only paralleled in sadness by girls waiting for justin bieber to take their virginity
if you love someone buy a cake with a picture of their face on it and eat the whole thing in front of them without breaking eye contact
not sure america really needs a bible belt to hold up its pants because our florida is already showing
you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark
over it
