I ask you, America, what is scarier: A little boy in a hoodie, or a grown man in a sweater vest?

Fun to have the 1970 issue of abortion trotted out again by two guys. That sure was empowering.

"What do you want, a medal?" -- My dad to me if I won an Olympic event.

My ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend and I could not be happier for them both if anyone on Dateline asks you.

I hope Lena Dunham's success encourages other trust fund kids to hang in there.

Penn State may take down the statue of Joe Paterno, but wouldn't it be more fitting to cover it up?

I bet that sexy bearded Brawny paper towel guy is self-absorbed.

I notice that classy ladies use the word "exhausted" for "shit-faced"

My big black gay friend says I tend to label people.

The inventor of the TV remote died, but they can't find his body.

The CIA Spy Who Loved Me And The Tampa Socialite And Then Had to Retire #rejectedbondtitles

A super fun way to get rid of the Taliban in Afghanistan: Arm all the women.

In retrospect, that tea tax was only 3 pennies per pound. Perhaps we overreacted.

Meanwhile, if Adam Carolla was ever forced to take the proper comedy channels, he'd be fixing my car.

In my perfect world, that British nurse didn't actually commit suicide -- she's just pulling a way better prank on those DJs.

I tried to vote, unfortunately Lena Dunham was having sex with my voting booth.

At this point, wouldn't it be harder to find someone who couldn't profile a serial killer?

Diamonds Are For Uninformed Zales Shoppers Who Thoughtlessly Support Sierra Leone Rebels and Vicious Slave Laborers. #RejectedBondTitles

Today thousands will celebrate Columbus Day by wondering why their bank is closed.

According to Netanyahu's graphic, Iran is only one year away from having a Road Runner bomb.