I decided not to kill the snail that somehow made it into the apartment. If he made it this far, he must be a hero on an epic quest.

"You're talking to yourself again."

"Just don't answer yourself."

"Okay."

"Fuck."

"We're screwed."

Don't you hate it when you think you're going to sneeze and instead break into a musical number and NO ONE GETS UP TO DANCE?

I hate that.

It must be really windy wherever they make music videos.

I almost blurted, "My what powerful thighs! You must be very popular during walnut season."

Instead I yelled, "WALNUTS."

God I'm smooth.

There's a note on the first page of Dante's original manuscript for Purgatorio that says, "In 700 years, change the name to O'Hare."

So far, my dinner consists of a banana and a leftover donut.

Boy, if Freud could see me now!

YOU PEOPLE HAVE RUINED MY ABILITY TO TELL WHEN IT'S PROPER TO USE YOUR OR YOUR IN A SENTENCE.

WAIT.

DAMMIT.

Hot dogs are notoriously bad at learning dog tricks.

Today is National Coming Out Day. 

Go on, tell your loved ones something they already kinda knew. And fuck the haters. 

I'm not ready to admit I have a caffeine problem, but I did just impersonate a choo-choo train for five minutes in an empty apartment.

Upon successfully unclogging a sink and fixing a running toilet, I leveled up in Adulthood. My new rank is Handy Manchild. What lame quests.

"It's so beautiful outside!" I say as I close the blinds and reach for the chocolate-covered pretzels.

FOOTBALL, AMIRITE? LOL


I'll be over here singing showtunes quietly to myself and making mini quiches.

Happy Arbitrarily Set But Generally Accepted Start Of Another Path Around The Sun That Doesnt Mean Anything But People Like Patterns Day!

When I see an eyebrow ring I think about curtains.

Wave your hands in the air like you just don't have your anti-psychotic drugs.

I hate the rain because all the food in my beard gets soggy.

I'd learn Japanese just so I could sound good expressing disappointment in others.

I can't hide who I am anymore.

EVERYONE, I HAVE AN ANNOUNCENENT TO MAKE:

I like children's chewable vitamins.