One GREAT thing about RUSSIAN porn is it always makes me feel like I have a really nice apartment.

Finally I'm figuring twitter out. Don't auto-followback, only follow people that amuse you, and unfollow or block people who sell shit.

To those of you living under the illusion that size doesn't matter.. try tightening a 5/8in nut with a 1/4in socket. #coldhardtruth

When I was a younger man I wanted to have sex with all the girls.. Now I'd just like them all to cook me dinner.

If I was a chick bent over in front of a dude who DIDNT try to get a down blouse shot I would be offended. I'm not the fricking badguy here!

One GREAT thing about RUSSIAN porn is it always makes me feel like I have a really nice apartment.

Less talk more nudity please. (My comment to the Fox5 Morning News team.)

After my 1st divorce I was doing this skank at a party. 'You can slap me if you want to.' she said. 'Will you sign a release?' #bitterinlove

Would it be racially insensitive to jamb the leaf blower up the ass of the Mexican using it outside my window?

When I was a boy my Aunt tried to molest me. Could have happened if not for the boob hair. Even at 8 I knew that was fucked up.

Dude, if it's the third date and your not getting any action, she already having sex, just not with you. #coldhardtruth

Coffee and cigarette flavored ant-acids would be a clever way to consolidate my mornings.

Twitter is like lure fishing from the bank on a 100 degree day. Cast, hope, reel, drink. Repeat... Retweet... Repeat...

The world became a little less romantic when a surprise un-spoken, soft, accidental, rimjob, turned into 3 fingers and a leather corr-sett.

To The Lady wearing Pajama Bottoms, white wife beater, and red bra. Why not just wear a sign saying I never want sex again... EVER!

'I don't feel like you respect me.' #manslator I wish you wouldn't have mms'd the blowjob pictures to all your friends.

I love you, but, I'm not in love with you. #manslator : Be my friend and fix things around here, but I'm fucking someone else now.

I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say if you follow Oprah Winfrey you probably should unfollow me.

I see those cakepops at Strbcks it makes me think of Vagina Lollipops. Ohhh that brown one looks good. I love the red one with sprinkles.

@goferet if I were sultan of the us I would tax fuel another 25 cents per gallon and focus on high speed rail. time to break away from oil