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@sween
Jason Sweeney
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
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A Transformer that turns into a Transformer that turns into yet another Transformer?
Incepticon.
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Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?
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Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.
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Lots of people want a car that makes them *look* sexy, but only minivans prove you’ve actually *had* sex.
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The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.
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They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
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Pizza Hut announces new pizza. Its crust is filled with everything. We live in the crust. The crust is the Universe. Only $9.99.
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Microsoft, please stop trying to make "To the cloud" happen. It's like a dad rapping.
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Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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After Saturday, let's pretend everyone that believed in the Rapture doesn't exist.
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Every time you say "Act your age!" I hear "Be sad with me!"
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I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".
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My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
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It's Canadian Thanksgiving, the day we give thanks we're not American.
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Some days you just have to fill the tub with Skittles and pretend to be Godzilla in a ball pit.
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My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.
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Sometimes I see parents with their kids and I get jealous. [Sips beer. Plans leisure activities. Counts disposable income.] So jealous.
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Can someone explain to me why they cancelled "Firefly" but the Republican debates never end?
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