Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.

A Transformer that turns into a Transformer that turns into yet another Transformer?

Incepticon.

Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.

Lots of people want a car that makes them *look* sexy, but only minivans prove you’ve actually *had* sex.

The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

Pizza Hut announces new pizza. Its crust is filled with everything. We live in the crust. The crust is the Universe. Only $9.99.

Microsoft, please stop trying to make "To the cloud" happen. It's like a dad rapping.

Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

After Saturday, let's pretend everyone that believed in the Rapture doesn't exist.

Every time you say "Act your age!" I hear "Be sad with me!"

I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".

My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.

It's Canadian Thanksgiving, the day we give thanks we're not American.

Some days you just have to fill the tub with Skittles and pretend to be Godzilla in a ball pit.

My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.

Sometimes I see parents with their kids and I get jealous. [Sips beer. Plans leisure activities. Counts disposable income.] So jealous.

Can someone explain to me why they cancelled "Firefly" but the Republican debates never end?