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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
Okay, go to sleep, America. You can play with your president tomorrow.
A Transformer that turns into a Transformer that turns into yet another Transformer?
Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?
Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.
Pizza Hut announces new pizza. Its crust is filled with everything. We live in the crust. The crust is the Universe. Only $9.99.
Lots of people want a car that makes them *look* sexy, but only minivans prove you’ve actually *had* sex.
The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
Microsoft, please stop trying to make "To the cloud" happen. It's like a dad rapping.
Avril Lavigne is engaged to the lead singer of Nickelback. Because the world was running low on things to make fun of Canada with.
If you wanted bigots to have shorter lifespans, having them oppose affordable healthcare and then eat a lot fried chicken is one way to go.
If you’re coming to Canada to escape Obamacare, I feel bad for you son. We’ve got 99 problems but a lack of socialized medicine ain’t one.
Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
After Saturday, let's pretend everyone that believed in the Rapture doesn't exist.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".
Every time you say "Act your age!" I hear "Be sad with me!"
My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.
limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper.