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  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.

    • 3,111
    • FAVS
    eggsandbakanthemakedaVikramParalkarTheStonedEskimoMzLaLaRochelleShut_Up_PleaseAiden_H_SmithCertifiedCrock
    • 1,754
    • RETWEETS
    AC_The_Greatdanieltu82lafemagresAdventurer_joshImFuknAwwsuummmSSSxFrescothemakedaeh_buh_nee
    robfeejoaomatthews_sameblackshoes1cfishing
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Okay, go to sleep, America. You can play with your president tomorrow.

    • 1,036
    • FAVS
    Greeblemonkeynikbs76Anita_napCheapEatsDotIEBethanyOzunagazeurgemarilynn007_iamalik
    • 1,676
    • RETWEETS
    KatrinaDixon89_Granville_Mickella_HardymochanyaBrynnHarristejaswi_yvsMiliDave123TaylorBosley
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    A Transformer that turns into a Transformer that turns into yet another Transformer?

    Incepticon.

    • 511
    • FAVS
    ActingAnEejitHerrSuperheldtinkhansonEnClaveDSolsabakhanDan93Jamesjumeauxdemoilafix
    • 912
    • RETWEETS
    notkevinbarboCooke_ANightshadeBabyCool_JesseRccola115perNUDIE__FlyingMonkey03Spideroger
    aurorabubbalooshanethevein
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

    • 1,131
    • FAVS
    Anita_napDONTJIMMYMEJULZActingAnEejitHerrSuperheldLakookscc1989NotRocktSurgeryashlayyyox
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    sethmcduffeej_luce3brownpoopypantsLeggaliciousJilanAshrafRetweetReemCapeCodToddangietdi
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.

    • 395
    • FAVS
    GreeblemonkeyAnita_napDONTJIMMYMEJULZActingAnEejitineedtheeggsNotRocktSurgeryrachiecandicehairicaaa
    • 798
    • RETWEETS
    hannnahphillipsjazzmen_kjohnleesandiegosoundhunterridrandyNatalieQuachhappytoasthandsonhistory
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Pizza Hut announces new pizza. Its crust is filled with everything. We live in the crust. The crust is the Universe. Only $9.99.

    • 472
    • FAVS
    olzhuGreeblemonkeyAnita_napkimproperBarskyTweetsDONTJIMMYMEJULZevanJacobytexburgher
    • 483
    • RETWEETS
    mayur24olzhuBlairMFinkAnita_napbrapsrudyjansenDernGarmosBitch_Maker
    inmynewskinlazerdoovTimHaines
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Lots of people want a car that makes them *look* sexy, but only minivans prove you’ve actually *had* sex.

    • 360
    • FAVS
    TelehoIicGreeblemonkeyAnita_napDONTJIMMYMEJULZJEEZkananisoonerick76ActingAnEejitgeezobeezo
    • 573
    • RETWEETS
    taylorlehmanLessThanJackieHelloGabbyCassiaSpiceJEEZkananiwarriorgigglesbrownpoopypantsJonTodd1620
    1800Randy
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

    • 367
    • FAVS
    TelehoIicfrankthefoxsmarianarDONTJIMMYMEJULZkaymee77ActingAnEejitHerrSuperheldrachiecandice
    • 499
    • RETWEETS
    encamtadaRIT_TannerginnyvegasSoSchlongItsRgtChrisBarschelhannahgreenxxokuzkastella_bells
    Nickadooroughdiction
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

    • 358
    • FAVS
    TelehoIicGreeblemonkeyAnita_napDONTJIMMYMEJULZjakobwellsActingAnEejitOverlandParkerjoshingly
    • 498
    • RETWEETS
    heisnekenAnita_napjollyforever1beccaendrizzinattlesbabysuprmario23megs_salyndacoop
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Microsoft, please stop trying to make "To the cloud" happen. It's like a dad rapping.

    • 271
    • FAVS
    JEEZkananiDistantTrainNyLow9ysasquatchjm3sucittaMbadkitty_whatitis112
    • 563
    • RETWEETS
    JEEZkananirealListeningcodemousescottsyyspencerforcebiancawaltyatlpandabearCallMeAlva
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Avril Lavigne is engaged to the lead singer of Nickelback. Because the world was running low on things to make fun of Canada with.

    • 233
    • FAVS
    GreeblemonkeyCheapEatsDotIESelenaMartin13bridgermaxashleywestlingfirelandjakobwellsActingAnEejit
    • 571
    • RETWEETS
    GTSweetDeezyGeoffBCampbellCupcake_CutieeetoddstewwOneRainyWishPahuahajranadeemaloha2149
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    If you wanted bigots to have shorter lifespans, having them oppose affordable healthcare and then eat a lot fried chicken is one way to go.

    • 349
    • FAVS
    GreeblemonkeytwirlyShellsAnita_napfashionrihab2509firelandtexburgherHollyJoy21
    • 451
    • RETWEETS
    HardToBeLittleAnita_napyagbebiglitchlabsrusselcaudellceehartangelheart704bvandgrift
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    If you’re coming to Canada to escape Obamacare, I feel bad for you son. We’ve got 99 problems but a lack of socialized medicine ain’t one.

    • 253
    • FAVS
    Greeblemonkeygordonbranderporkrimsensoonerick76texburghermathcat345OverlandParkerNotRocktSurgery
    • 540
    • RETWEETS
    jculvclappstarCenterMidfieldnotcalleddavidFavstar250jessica_vandykalicemethotLa_Redactrice
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

    • 678
    • FAVS
    Shaun_Rice__everyfannActingAnEejitOverlandParkerNotRocktSurgeryartfeedsmiarachiecandiceCuntemplate
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    ZYeagsMANwithTANbrownpoopypantsCapeCodToddwhatitis112organizdchaos8kellyskellyc0mebacktome
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

    • 351
    • FAVS
    BarskyTweets__GXActingAnEejitOverlandParkerperlanation__ryry__tinkhansonrachiecandice
    • 413
    • RETWEETS
    PolloQuimarykayecoxtriishmurraybrad_fiercescottemblerComoSayEskimoBrandonSKirksumerstevenson
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    After Saturday, let's pretend everyone that believed in the Rapture doesn't exist.

    • 270
    • FAVS
    Anita_napNotRocktSurgeryrachiecandicejumeauxdemoijayna_patriceysasquatchjm3SilastheViru5
    • 480
    • RETWEETS
    baileyharrisdanilovesartFredwickkgimmeasec__farwestEricaMacmillerswagstuarthorrexiaindooley
    sherriva__
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".

    • 380
    • FAVS
    TelehoIicUrbanDouchebagAnita_napJimmychanga23EKampsenOps009OHRElLLYActingAnEejit
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    Anita_napEKampsenOps009j_luce3GabeEcholshangin_outPrincesssLenaJinxy101
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    Every time you say "Act your age!" I hear "Be sad with me!"

    • 641
    • FAVS
    Shaun_Rice__Eos77JEEZkananiMrxsgigglegirlnoeltheotherflynnjakobwellsperlanation
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    JEEZkananidavidbhayeselphhhGoodwithcolourAeonOfAnthonyAuristma_x_powersakhiwon
    mayjah
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.

    • 636
    • FAVS
    UrbanDouchebagAnita_napjakobwellsActingAnEejitperlanationtinkhansonrachiecandiceJEEZkanani
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    Anita_napmelskepkoJEEZkananimadsushiYesICan2468iDiscotecpeanutboatDivine_Mrs_M
  • sween
      Jason Sweeney @sween

    My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.

    • 337
    • FAVS
    KrakowChroniclelonecatalystbrookecarrotbonnieb420King5555CamilleseyeChiDulyadam_rodriguez______
    • 364
    • RETWEETS
    Camilleseyeliiiiiiiiizselkepancakemudd4goalsHenjealyAshleySatheramargarida7Speredon
    BigDfunk
@sween

@sween
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limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper.