[Sudden cut to black.]

RIP, Mr. Gandolfini.

Me reading Twitter:

Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Oh.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Heh.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Ah.
Huh?
Huh?
Ugh.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Ha!
Huh?

Me: "I just wrote a stupid tweet."
Wife: "YOU??? NOOoOOooOO!!!!!"

Pyromaniacs love  http://match.com .

WELP, time to light myself on fire.

It's a good thing Bruce Wayne was scared of bats.

"Why vaginas, Master Wayne?"
"Vaginas frighten me. It's time my enemies shared my dread."

So sad seeing all the discarded dads on the curb this morning.

The greatest trick the Devil ever played is convincing you to put the word "FINAL" in the file name.

I'm just like everyone else — I put my pants on one writhing tangle of tentacles at a time.

So nice to eat chicken without my cat trying to steal anyMRPH- *cat crawls out of mouth, eats chicken, crawls back, curls up in esophagus*

I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me. I was worried I was going crazy, but luckily I actually do have bugs crawling all over me.

My cat has this thing where he opens his mouth to meow but he doesn't make a sound so I have to say, "Use your word."

My cat thinks I'm rubbing his back with my hand, but really he's rubbing my hand with his back.

It's funny how often "I don't like this change!" means "I don't like change!"

I just called a coworker by my wife's name. That's like the pot calling the kettle mom.

Just realized none of the field trips I've ever been on in my life actually went to a goddamn field.

@alisonagosti My wife won’t let me call her my weird roommate anymore.

Some people are happy with how their bleeps will bloop, whereas others are unhappy with how their bleeps will bloop.

If you were wondering why a computer monitor was just launched into orbit, I just spelled my own name wrong on a company-wide email.

Made hummus for the first time tonight and made a huge mess, which actually sounds like "hummus" when your mouth is full of hummus.

I like to think I'm a smart guy, and then I realize I'm trying to make a cat feel guilty.