My girlfriend made me a painting I can't even

Xbox One: Solving non-existent problems by creating them. #XboxReveal

If I'm ever on a cliff and lose my footing, you bet your ass I'll blurt out "Find out next week!" before I fall to my doom.

this weekend, i've replaced sleep with alcohol. i've also replaced breathing with alcohol.

Can’t believe they figured out the formula for babies

@rhoulette walk it off, champ.

@fart the one with the stormtrooper riding it? hilarious visual reference!

The word "tits" doesn't seem so sexy when you realize it's derivative of "teats"

Tonight’s comic shows you just how well I understand beer. G’night!  http://www.dieselsweeties.com/archive/3326 

ticketmaster is the monsanto of whatever. fuck ticket master

Today has been exhausting. Way too exhausting. I require a nap or liquor... or both.

During sex it's perfectly fine to say "yeah", "yes", and "oh yes" but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "yep"

Cute bagel shop girl learned my name which is nice, but now who's going to call me "sweet pea?"

If you steal the bleach then you're illegally blonde.

Hey...countries at war...
Go look at boobs...happy now?
You don't need to fight.

Boob haiku

Joffrey Lannister > Kim Jong Un

I just gave 3 Nigerian princes my debit card number and social. Their families were in trouble. So I'm basically royalty and you aren't!!

is there anything more boring than negativity on the internet

i walked around and watched people have fun. it felt great and made the day even more surreal.

If cake pops are illegal, only criminals will eat cake pops.