My boyfriend is into comic books so I shaved half of my vagina and named it two-face.

The "Ass, gas, or grass" rule is about to change to the "YOU'RE PAYING FOR GAS NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR TITTIES ARE" rule.

If anyone needs me I'll be over here rolling around in all the fucks not given today.

You say belly-button, I say cum-bucket.

"Pull down to refresh" is what I do in the ladies room.

One of my dreams is to go Italy and pick the pasta right off the tree.

I bet vegan pussy tastes like sawdust and sadness.

Raise your hand if last night is still happening in your mouth!

The only difference between a rat and toy poodle is a bag of jumbo cotton balls, hot glue, and a bottle of liquor.

"Broken Dreams" is my favorite ramen flavor.

Everyone please send good thoughts the the 8th floor women's bathroom middle stall. The taco bell cup on the counter is not a good sign.

You chew on ONE bathroom carpet and get labeled a rug muncher for life.

If you fart in the elevator, fairies will shit in your coffee.

Some days you're the vagina and some days you're the face.

The only babies I eat are still in swimming form.

I prefer the blood of my enemies to be frozen and dipped in chocolate.

Cheeseburgers know I swallow.

Social status in the KKK is determined by thread count.

My boyfriend's garlic breath is what I imagine an italian woman's queef would smell like.

I wish someone would have told me lip-plumping lip gloss was not for my vagina.