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Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.
I say hi to my dog about 600 times per day.
First time I ever saw "fuck me eyes" was in Lion King when Simba pins Nala during Can You Feel The Love Tonight & she lookin fine as hell
Can you imagine Shakespeare on Twitter? He'd be all "Methinks thee beloved thy midsummers night blah blah blah" UNFOLLOW
If I see a tampon wrapper in the garbage of someone's bathroom, I come out and yell "Someone's on their PERIOOOD!!" in my best Oprah voice.
Before Twitter, if I read something hysterically funny I would laugh. Now I just click the star button without changing my facial expression
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I want to wear glasses just so I can take them off and rub my eyes with my palms in exasperation when someone says something stupid.
She said: "I got a breast reduction surgery."
I heard: "I'm a selfish bitch with a weak back."
I get that we have an idea of how dinosaurs LOOKED, but let's not assume how they SOUNDED. What if they all talked like sassy black women?
My dog's actual talking voice is probably nothing like my impersonation of him.
You can stop lifting weights now; it's actually your personality that nobody likes.
I'm in Wyoming today. I just saw their black person.
Really? Wow! (The only two things I ever say to kids)
It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.
"All lower case?" -your mom getting an email address
Ask the next person you see with a Ramones t-shirt what their favorite Ramones song is. Enjoy the silence.
When my dog's licking my ear, I like to close my eyes and fantasize that it's a girl dog.
People on facebook seem to think a status update is a medium for speaking with their dead loved ones.
With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN'T go straight to Wendy's to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.